Married in Paperback

I was initially amused when my crazy mother (M) told me that she was going to write a modern gothic novel where I would serve as the beautiful heroine. I was even more amused when she told me that because I could not get married in the real world, I must get married in paperback. This was all very funny for my friends and I to imagine my deranged mother sitting around handwriting a novel because she did not know how to use a computer.

All of this was quite charming until I was blessed with a private reading this weekend. On Sunday morning (circa 3 PM), I was awoken by a typical phone call wherein my father (M squared) served as a puppet for M to relay the importance of being married by age 30, let alone the importance of being earnest. Just when I was ready to hang up, I heard the all too familiar voice of M who rarely comes to the phone since she has been absorbed in authoring the next "Time Traveler’s Wife." She proceeded to tell me that in addition to writing me " the loveliest sex scene," she was going to divulge her first chapter.I will not spill all the details, but I will say this much.

The heroine of the novel is described in the following manner:"A fallen sparrow who is just shy of 27 with mud colored eyes and possesses one good feature; her hair. She is unmarried with no prospects." At this point, I was forced to interject and ask why M would describe me in such a disparaging manner. She explained that she could not describe me as a beauty for fear that her readership would become envious. That argument might hold up in court except that my sister in law is described as the next Catherine Zeta Jones. The more compelling argument was that this fictionalized character was not in fact me, but was a fictionalized character.

I now will ask my readership to make the determination as to whether or not this character was fiction or fact. In doing so, I will draw up a vertical comparison:

Fictionalized Me:
-Is Just Shy of 27 when her brother got married
-Gets her red locks dyed at a place called X
-Graduated from law school, but only sort of has a job
-Lives in a one bedroom conversion with her best friend from law school, E
-Has Eyes the color of mud
-Possesses the nick name C
-Is Unwed
-Has No Prospects

Me:
-Was Just Shy of 27 when her brother got married
-Gets her red locks dyed at a place called X
-Graduated from law school, but only sort of has a job
-Lives in a one bedroom conversion with her best friend from law school, E
-Has Eyes the color of mud
-Possesses the nick name C
-Is Unwed
-Has No Prospects