Style. Attitude. Sequins. Blowjobs?

Ohio is known for a lot of things. Or rather, not a lot of much. Either way, its always amusing when they manage to push the low-class, uneducated, farmer stereotype with ridiculous ads like this:

The television host formerly known as Oprah

No, in fact I don't know where my life is Oprah. I came home this afternoon smelling of liquor & looking like a trampled hooker. I'm up against a maxed out credit card & a dead end job Oprah. You say you're here to help Oprah? Or should I call you 'O' now? Well your bullshit Chinese Proverb telling me my soul needs fixing isn't much of a help. Neither is that smug look on your face.

OH THIS IS SO WORTH THE FREE PIZZA

Today, I was alerted by co-counsel to the following posting on craig's list:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entry Level Associate (Central Nassau)
Reply to: job-968920747@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-24, 1:11PM EST



Hi All - I thought that with the holidays approaching it was worth spending an additional posting fee to allay the collective anxiety out there.

The position that we posted on December 10, 2008 is still available. For details of that position, please see the original posting. If you sent a resume, it is unnecessary to send another. We've been a bit overwhelmed by the response, and the holidays sought of crept up on us, so we'll begin interviewing in the new year. I will say that overall I've been impressed with the creative cover letters and the excellent resumes. In any event, we haven't contacted anyone yet, so don't be alarmed by our silence. Enjoy the holidays. Relax with family and friends, remember what is important. Next year will be better. Now I do need to say, if we do not call you in, please understand that it is not a reflection on you, we're a small firm and we only have one opening. I've received resumes from at least thirty five attorneys (and a few soon to be attorneys) that I would interview and hire in a heart beat, if I only had the time and the openings. Stay upbeat.

I do have a few additional things to add, so bear with me.

To the one anti - semite who thought somehow, that religion had anything to do with the salary we were offering - F*ck off - It is my Christmas wish that you remain unemployed forever, and that the closest you come to a legal job is selling Blumberg forms in a Staples. There is no place in this profession for people like you. I will add, that if you have a thing against Jewish Attorneys, perhaps you should consider practicing somewhere other than New York.

To the one law student - Peter - who thought it necessary to defend law students everywhere. Yes, I understand that law students leave school with loans. I think I understand that better than you. I just finished paying mine off this year. With that said, eleven thousand new New York Lawyers were minted last year. Another 11,000 are on their way. Except for the those that secure plum openings at the big firms, I fear paying those student loans for many is going to be a problem. Absent an excellent foundation in the practice of law, many will never be able to do so. Doctors (who for the most part have bigger loans) undergo intense internships at low pay, where they translate what they learned in medical school into an ability to practice medicine. Lawyers have for the most part have never had to serve an internship, but in reality, the first two to three years are an internship. The salary we are offering reflects accurately what we can pay, after factoring in the rates we can charge for a junior attorney, the value that an untrained attorney brings to our practice, the amount of time my partners and I will lose training and reworking their work, the amount of time we write off , and secretarial costs, office costs, malpractice insurance costs, coffee and Friday Pizza. After a year or two, the attorney we hire, will be know how to practice law (and will have eaten a lot of free pizza). What I didn't mention is that two of my partners, started with me as associates - Both had big firm experience - but were willing to start over with a low base salary in order to learn how to practice law. They became invaluable to me and the firm's clients and they make a lot more money now. There is hope. While your email was pleasant, it reflected a real naivete about the industry in general, and I think you need to take a hard look at the practice of law in the 21st century. Contrary to your projections I did not receive resumes from a handful of students at the bottom of the classes from fourth tier law schools. I received resumes from Fordham Grads, Georgetown Grads, Berkeley Grad, Boston U and Boston College, Lots from St Johns, Brooklyn and New York. There were resumes from people let go at Big firms, and others from attorneys who've been out a few years whose practices have yet to take off. I received great resumes from people looking to get back into the profession. Your forecast was completely wrong.

OK, I'm finished ranting. If there is any one out there who would still like to be considered, send a resume. If you sent one, I have it, so don't send another. We will be interviewing in early January. Happy Holidays. Hang in. Times will get better.

Location: Central Nassau
Compensation: 36 - 42k
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 968920747
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I am not going to point out the obvious, free pizza is definitely worth the trip for a former Sullivan Cromwell attorney to go to Central Nassau. I have pretty much resigned myself to believe that I would do anything for a slice of pizza short of, well, sharing it. In fact, I am fairly certain that not only are graduates from Fordham, Georgetown, Harvard, Yale and G*D considering this position for a free slice of pizza in light of the terrible economy, but I was just on the phone with a member of the newly appointed Obama administration, and he told me that he will be working part time out of this office in Central Nassau for the free pizza.

I completely understand where this schmuck is coming from (Please note, I am employing the use of a Yiddish slight to point out that this blogger surely is not anti-semitic). When I started at my first toilet, I was compensated at the high rate of $40k in Manhattan no less. When I told Atticus Finch about this salary, former Fordham graduate who clearly passed up an offer to work at a small firm in Central Nassau at a rate of $43k to work at a small firm in Manhattan for $90k despite the Nassau's further compensation of free donuts every morning (silly bastard), he asked why they did not cap it at $35k given the fact that first year associates are akin to medical interns.

Funny, schmuck sewer head (SSH) mentions medical interns as a comparison to first year associates who work at firms in Central Nassua at a starting salary of $35k. I am sure you would feel confident in allowing your child to be administered anesthesia by a medical intern who failed their MCATs. Yes, SSH despite your tactic of lying to applicants that you have received resumes from various first tier law school graduates, no one is fooled. The economy is bad, but it is not ever that bad for those who are qualified and managed to get the bear minimum on their LSATs by filling out their names on the scantron.

WhAT is WRONG With you SSH? Sure, I get it, training a new associate is hard even if they are smart. But if you are going to post that your starting salary is $35k, do not defend your position, just throw in that you will also supply a free soft drink with every pizza. SIGN ME THE F*CK UP.

Okay, I am finished ranting.

Good Night Moon

I am so sick and tired of getting all motivated to do something and then taking a nap before I can accomplish whatever task I have in mind. This happens to me at least 3-5 times a day as I have managed to develop a method of taking naps at "work" where I cover my face with my left hand, open a contract folder and look like I am entering some garbage into the database.

Anyhow, in my situation, this does not necessarily just apply to tasks that some, or most people I know at least, avoid as in, let's say, going to the gym. For me, it could be the simplest thing; i.e. getting up from my bed which is practically in my kitchen to pour myself a glass of water (diet coke), getting off my couch which is practically in my bathroom to wash off my makeup from the previous evening, rolling over so I can pick off my cell phone right next to my bed which found itself there after receiving strange calls at 5 AM from God knows what mutated bachelor I met the previous Saturday. Just talking about this makes me zzzzzzz.

This has become a constant problem. I discussed my inertia with my therapist and she tried to tell me that this was a result of some childhood trauma. I tried to think of some childhood trauma that would make me so god damn lazy that I could not go to a Bar Association meeting across the street from my temping station and at least try and put on an act that I am ready willing and able to lawyer in your "office" even if it means that I am really just filing books in your library. By the by, this happened to me at my first toilet. The janitors hired me as an associate, but then just put me in the library for three months where I put away legal reference books. I mean what happened, did M&M ask me to be nice to a play date and I just could not bring myself to do it? Well yes, that did happen quite a bit, which explains my lack of friends from ages 5-26.


I guess what I would like to point out to my therapist is that my adulthood has been by and large way more traumatic than my childhood. Every day I wake up and am like "OH GOD F*CKIN DAMN IT, I AM STILL NOT SOMEONE ELSE. LET ME SLEEP UNTIL NINE AND GET TO "WORK" BY 9:15." That is why I am always sleeping. In fact, she should feel lucky that I build up enough energy to walk from my apartment to her office five blocks North.

I AM IN LOVE

PLEASE, whoever you are, I recognize you are way funnier than me, please marry me.

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com

Call an Exterminator

today i was reminded why i tend to not go outside on saturdays and sundays, especially sundays, after having a feast with E at Houston's. I should have known better, this place is definitely kid friendly with their free refills and everything else they have to offer (their burgers are amazing.)

i decided i hate, no want them dead type of thing, children. i often wondered why humans did not come out of the womb as teenagers and instead are malfunctioning screaming retards for the first 8 yrs of their lives. i could not so much as tell E about my thirty new years' resolutions without some child banging on a dish and screaming bloody murder. It was at this point that I decided that my new years' resolution is to match every child's scream/cry with my own (i also made the decision to take a xanax to calm my nerves). believe you me, i am loud and would like to disturb other adults while they are trying to enjoy a drunken brunch. my major question is what in God's name are they always screaming about???? I am middle aged, single and my parental units have entirely given up on me. They have years until they reach my point and while I suspect that if I had a child I would shake until it is dead, their parents stroll them around and wipe their asses as if they deserve it. not to mention all of their parents think they are genuises despite all evidence to the contrary. they can not even connect a spoon with their mouths. my parents think i suffer from mild retardation and i am fully capable of feeding myself, quite a bit in fact, and make coherent sentences.

that is why, due to pure frustration, i pushed one out of the way to get to the bathroom and then called an exterminator.

Watch that Vodka Cran, I'm wearing White

For those of you that don't believe in Aliens, let me tell you Las Vegas is filled with them. Just check out Glenn Campbell's page www.aliensonearth.com. He's formerly employed by family court & ironcially looks exactly like J.K. Simmons (Dr. Skoda) off Law and Order.

In Vegas, even ghosts make it into the clubs. See exhibit A. These 2 poor club goers are being followed by a ghost & don't even know it. Thanks to local photographers we have solid proof ghosts exist. I mean, ofcourse its a ghost, there's no way a guy would wear a sheet over his head at a club. Yeah, it's definately a ghost.

DREAM JOB

Ala Wikipedia:

MISTRESS: Historically, the term has denoted a kept woman, who was maintained in a comfortable (or even lavish) lifestyle by a wealthy man so that she will be available for his sexual pleasure. Such a woman could move between the roles of a mistress and a courtesan depending on her situation and environment. Today, however, the word mistress is used primarily to refer to the female companion of a man who is married to another woman; in the case of an unmarried man it is usual to speak of a "girlfriend" or "partner."

Historically a man "kept" a mistress. As the term implies, he was responsible for her debts and provided for her in much the same way as he did his wife, although not legally bound to do so. In more recent and emancipated times, it is more likely that the mistress has a job of her own, and is less, if at all, financially dependent on the man.

A mistress is not a prostitute. While a mistress, if "kept", may essentially be exchanging sex for money, the principal difference is that a mistress keeps herself exclusively reserved for one man, in much the same way as a wife, and there is not so much of a direct quid pro quo between the money and the sex act. There is also usually an emotional and possibly social relationship between a man and his mistress, whereas the relationship to a prostitute is predominantly sexual.

Dating propels sobriety

Its typical that a first date, occasional 2nd date, and maybe a few inter-relationship weddings/parties/vacations, would result in a drunker than drunk date. Usually if the drunk half of the couple is the female, the guy just ends up getting laid. However, when the guy decides to outweigh his blood to alcohol, it's slightly more entertaining & usually results in a damn good story.

My recent unwelcomed birthday involved numerous celebrations. Dinners, get togethers, outings, parties, vacations. All of which were unbelievably under control & somewhat uneventful. This with the exception of one particular dinner with a good guy friend.

Normally, I consider the majority of my friends well educated on drinking, as well as educated there own personal drinking limitations. This of course because A. We all drink a lot, & B. We all drink too much. However, this specific date hadn't been practicing his tequila drinking techniques for awhile & when challenged mistakenly agreed to join my Patron filled evening.

Now, everyone gets drunk and makes a fool of themselves here & there. Some happen to do this now & tomorrow. However, when you send your date home in a cab because the owner of the club forsees a messy ending you assume you have actually protected he or she against morning regrets. Unfortunately, this motherly attempt to avoid apologies this particular night ended at the cab, because weeks later I found out the rest of his evening.
After my un-sober date returned home via cab, he realized his keys left in valet also contained his house keys. As any drunk person knows, the quickest way to get into a locked door is actually through the nearest window. And as any robber, thief or drunk knows, windows are most easily opened when shattered. Ofcourse, shattering the window leads to setting off the ADT alarm, which directly leads to 6 cop cars and you in handcuffs, trickling to you being interrogated & you almost being taken to jail for drunkinly breaking into your own house. Of course to only top it off by being dropped off back at valet by your mother the following day.
All of which could easily replace the 12 Steps & considerably reinforce sobriety.

She is Not Mistaken

I am not sure if my readership is aware of the fact that I communicate with some of the permanent employees in or around my temping station. Sure, most of them look at me in disgust, but there is one member of the others, L, who is my ally.

L is a good ally. She prints out things, like my shitty resume, reads my blog and is never too happy to be in the work place. That is why she deserves a cameo.

This past weekend L had the happy occasion of bumping into a Garbage professor who offered to get her into Garbage without applying.

If we were talking about another institution, I might be shocked that a professor could make such a promise. Sure, I am aware of the fact that there are various students at let's say NYU Law who are admitted based strictly on connections, but I am fairly certain that they at least submitted an application and took the LSATs. I am also fairly certain that if L wanted to get into Garbage, she has the mental faculties to make this a possibility without this professor's assistance. Some of my peers were cockroaches for the love of Christ.

Regardless, when I really started thinking about the significance of what this professor was saying I realized that this was not exactly an empty promise/flush. It was a guarantee. Garbage's students are primarily compiled from poor asswipes who did not apply. It sort of works like this, you take your LSATs one day, and the next day you wake up at Garbage. I do not remember if M&M filled out an application for me. That is right, they filled out all of my applications because I refused to apply to any of the law schools that I could get into and watched them manipulate various applications to schools in like Idaho, Florida and Wyoming. When I told them my one stipulation was that I get to remain in New York, they, much like this Professor, promised me that this would not be a problem. Three weeks later, I got a call that Grandpa I must have been thinking of me postmortem as I just been accepted into a New York based sewer.

As far as L is concerned, I imagine she could do much better than Garbage. I mean I am rather impressed by L. She has not even attended Garbage yet and is an actual employee where I have remained, faithfully, and always a temp.

Tak

In all bloody honesty, I have no idea how to say thank you in Danish. I just googled it and came up with the title of my blog. Maybe that is the way to say it. I would prefer if "Tak" meant "kill yourself," but I have a funny feeling I have no such luck.

Today, for the second time, I have been rejected by those who reside in the Nordic region. While I have on many occasions considered leaving my promising station in Manhattan, I do not think I would travel so far as Denmark to rid myself of the stigma of graduating from something the Danish might call a toilettet. I take this letter (as copied and pasted below) to signify the world telling me that my services are not needed. here. there. anywhere. In fact, as a preemptive strike to my considering relocating, Ms. Bisgaard has taken it upon herself to speak on behalf of her country and kindly request that I do not bring my noxious self.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Regarding: Communications advisor, Technology R&D, Århus, Denmark

Dear C,

We would like to thank you once again for your application concerning the
position mentioned above.

Unfortunately we have to tell you that we have decided to proceed with other
candidates having a better match with the requested qualifications and
background.

If you have created and released your profile, we will continue to compare it
with all the relevant vacancies at Vestas, and you are always welcome to apply
for a vacant position.

Thank you for the interest you have shown Vestas.


Yours sincerely

Technology R&D
People & Culture

Dina Kirstine Bisgaard

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Would you Like an Egg??

Today I had the happy occasion of receiving this email:

Dear Member,

During this holiday season, we want to thank you for your membership. Especially during these difficult economic times, we appreciate more than ever your commitment to the New York City Bar Association, and we are striving to increase our efforts to serve our members. Our broad range of programs and services will be featured in the January 2009 issue of 44th Street Notes.

Our dedication to our members is matched by our commitment to all those affected by the economic downturn. The poor will need greater access to legal services, and the City Bar Justice Center will need to increase its ability to provide those services. Our programs, which range from foreclosure to immigration, can be viewed in our Justice Center Annual Report.

We are so grateful to everyone who has already made a contribution to support the Justice Center's pro bono work. Please join us by making a contribution to sustain these efforts. You may donate online or by mail.

With continued best wishes for you and your family during the holiday season and the New Year.

Sincerely,



Patricia, Association of the Bar of the City of New York
42 West 44th Street, New York, NY 10036




----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***My Response****

Dear Patricia,

Wow, you are barking up the wrong tree and I am going to have to kindly ask you to go kill yourself. Why, it was just this morning that I made an appearance at a temp agency and they asked me if I preferred document review over contract analysis at which point I started crying because I realized that my career options are just that simple, if at all. I replied that I preferred neither, but since I am so bloody poor that I can not even afford a microwave, I am kind of not in the position to be picky.

Oh no, Patricia, the dean of garbage learned this the hard way, my economic crisis has nothing to do with the grander economic crisis. In fact, if possible, I am slightly relieved by this crisis because at least I can say at this point that garbigities are not the only unemployable "attorneys" sifting through the job market. It is kind of like when I learned that I was not the only middle aged 27 yr. old soon to be 28 yr. old spinster who often ponders whether or not it is best to drink three bottles of wine on Monday nights because Gossip Girl is on.

My point is, Patricia, that I am most certainly not making a donation to the Associate of the Bar of the City of New York this year or ever. I am kind of like one of your pro bono cases that your association should be helping as I sometimes do for the homeless associated with New York City Cares (okay, it has not happened yet, but I will do it, soonish) by finding clothes for them at the salvation army and prepping them for their various interviews.

YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS THE MOST PATRICIA?!?!?! While some people are happy about the upcoming holidays as they get days off from work, I dread it. You heard me. Because I get paid by the hour, when I get hit with a New Years Day and Christmas I make like 300 dollars that month. That is not enough to buy my provisions from the super market (local liquor store) to drown my sorrows away let alone make a donation to your association. I say yours, because it is certainly not mine. I do not associate with it at all.

Sincerely,

Shut the F*ck Up

Far East of M&M's

As some of you might recall, M&M sometimes ask me to "their friends'" various homes for dinner. Because I know M&M have no friends except for each other, I generally am right to believe that this is a set up. Why, just last April as referred to in my post "Is Elijah Single" I was lucky enough to arrive at such a happy occasion.

You can imagine how ridiculously annoyed I was when last Sunday M squared called me and spoke in non sequitor about how I simply just must appear at their friend's Wu Lung's house for dinner next week. Now, do not get me wrong, I am no stranger to the Asian persuasion. I have many Asian friends, well that is a lie. I have one, but she has has explained to me that it is not my fault that I do not have any Asian friends as they tend to stick together. (CHALLAH BEAR you just got a shout out). Needless to say, M&M do not have Chinese friends. No, M&M do not even have Jewish friends so how in God's name am I supposed to believe that M&M just happened to have convinced Wu Lang that a) they were friends and b) that we should all be invited over for dinner (Mr. & Mrs. Atticus Finch included no less). WELL, I thought it might be that Wu Lang was a Chinese version of M and saw the importance of me finding a suitor and had one in mind. I was wrong. My apologies.

As it turns out Wu Lang did just want to have us all over for a traditional Chinese dinner and it was very nice of her to extend her hospitality. How could I be so bloody selfish as to kid with Mr. & Mrs. Atticus Finch that I will have the number 43: Last Standing Single Chinese Boy is Forced to Date Last Standing Single Jew Middle Aged Woman. No, there were no such plans in mind.

The joke really was on M. Boy oh boy, M was not prepared for this. As some of you are aware, M does not eat anything and only drinks coffee. As far back as I can remember, I have yet to see M eat a meal. While I am slender, M makes me look obese. Unfortunate for M, this family did not serve any coffee until after the meal and she had to pass up on a dumpling on account of the calories and just wait for the coffee while everyone ate. Do not worry, M chatted with various strangers around the table to occupy her time. Mainly, about her former cigarette addiction and how she anticipated that the home which is literally five minutes away from M&M's home would be decorated in traditional Chinese, as opposed to English decor. After dinner, M asked that I bring the family cat that I was playing with to the dinner table which she proceeded to practically strangle as poor Figaro hissed and growled at her. Dear Dear.

Regardless, this was all in all a happy occasion. And as I drifted into a wine coma on the car ride home it occurred to me that M&M are in fact capable of having friends which made me sort of happy. After all, who was I to judge if Lu Wang could tolerate their conversation??? Then, I realized she does not as she only partially speaks English.

Mr. Optimistic

Just cause your best friend is black does not mean you should wear his condoms.

AF is Being Given A Run For His Money

In today's day in and age, no one can escape career advice. I imagine that even those of us who are successful fall victim to career advice that they have already heard a million times and want to tell their adviser to kindly shut the f*ck up.

Well, given that I am entirely unsuccessful, I am offered free annoying painful career advice all of the time. Like, "have you ever thought of networking?" No asshole, I never have. Try not to reinvent the wheel here. Next thing you are going to ask me is if I have thought of checking Monster.com. Every day someone thinks they are so much smarter than me and addresses me as though they have ever been in my position, i.e. looking for a job for five years.

If there is one time I really care not to have career advice it is when I am out. When I am concentrating on wine, I am not concentrating on any of the following things: 1. how many cigarettes have I smoked 2. What is the political climate like in the Middle East oh and 3. What is my next career move. Friday night was no exception to this rule.

E and I had the great pleasure of running into a much older Garbage graduate and his partner (the partner inquired in jest whether or not this institution is actually accredited). As your expectations might have it, these two slimes run a personal injury firm. I was fully prepared to not verbally judge them until I was left alone with the Garbage graduate. While E was pleasantly chatting away with the other partner who used to work at her current "practice," I was entirely unfortunate enough to be told what a piece of trash I was by another piece of trash. All I said was that I have not made up my mind entirely as to whether or not I wanted to practice, but if I practiced again I pray to God that I am not working above a KFC. I may have left the second clause out. Needless to say, I tried to change the topic of conversation. I did not even say it is because people like you and your partner who do business in Penn Station that I do not want to practice.

This seltzer bottle told me that when you are a personal injury lawyer, you have the power to change lives. Additionally, after a hard day at work, if you pop in the movie "To Kill a Mockingbird" you will be reminded of why you do what you do. Because I have no interest in making a difference and have adopted this "woe is me attitude," I would not know about this gratifying experience.

My first question was "Seltzer face, did you know that the movie was based on Harper Lee's novel and if so, did you/could you read it?" However, my real inquiry is how this carbonated drink has changed lives in a manner that is comparable to the way let's say Atticus Finch changed lives. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe the real deal like confronted racism in the deep South. What has Diet Rite done? Confronted the Dunkin Donuts franchise after their client slipped and fell on some coffee. I believe the more relevant movie is My Cousin Vinny.

Hooking Research Part 1

I should probably preface this story.
I currently work at the highest grossing nightclub in the world. Ironically, I work in the slowest, lowest paid area of this nightclub and rarely make more than $500.00 a week. Very recently I have been curious and intrigued by the option of being a hooker & I figured the internet would be a resourceful tool in learning how to go about this new career.

In the midst of my hooking research I came across this Yahoo Question on Yahoo's Answers page:

I WANT TO BE A HOOKER WHEN I GROW UP IS THAT bad?

I am 17 years old and I want to be a hooker when I grow up because I like boys and men and dream about having sex and a life on the steets as a hooker seems exciting. I also like to make my hair big and wear lots of makeup. I wanna walk up to cars and say hey baby want a good time. Also I will ge to spend nights in hotels and look very pretty. I want an exciting life please help and tell me why or why not to do it
I don't have a degree and I wanna get out of the house

Well darling. Let me say, wearing your hair big & putting on lots of makeup has nothing to do with being a hooker. Clowns do that, drag queens do that, girls from texas love it, and I'm known to tease myself into quite the big hair. Also, spending the night in hotels is easily done and usually just involves living in a city with hotels. As far as wanting to have sex with boys & men, now that just makes you a good girlfriend.
However, my little protege darling, you happened to have missed the key element & main reason why most girls decide to open their legs for strangers... and thats MONEY honey. Sweetie, if you are gonna be honest and open on Yahoo about a career that is nothing short of frowned upon, you best be honest about your intent.
What your post really should've read is:

I'm 17, my parents are over their heads in debt & the world is crashing before me. I think money for sex would be a steady job. Any takers?

Oh, Okay Okay.....

This makes perfect sense. No actually, today I woke up and decided to blame the economy for all of my problems. Ninety-nine problems and here is one (well, here are a few actually as I am not one to pass up this opportunity to complain):

I have lost all ability to control myself around a yogurt parfait. No, seriously, I had a long discussion with E last night. If I see a yogurt parfait, I must buy it and eat the entire thing. I had two yesterday, and for shame, neither one of them were that good because of the economy.

The fact that nerve.com presumes I am a lesbian upon registration and only shows me female matches has a lot to do with the fact that since this great depression (for me at least it has been diagnosed by my therapist as a great depression even if the rest of the world is calling it a recession) has traded in all of the male i bankers for butch beasts who tell me that I am their perfect match.

Did they stop making a size 29 in jeans because of the f*ckin economy so help me god because this is my godforsaken size. It is true that I can probably fit my white ass into a size 28. However, I like my denim to ride low and show a little crack. I went to six stores this weekend in search of skinny jeans. No size 29 to be found.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently Garbage agrees with me. Most of its, and its' alumni problems, have to do with the state of the economy. A letter I received from the dean today capitalized on this point:

Dear Garbage Alumnus/a (THANK GOD THE DEAN IS NOT SEXIST):

I wrote to you several weeks ago with an update about the School. Today, I am writing to you about our current students and new graduates, and our need for your support in their efforts to gain genuine legal experience and start their careers. The recent financial crisis has affected many sectors of our economy, and the legal sector is no exception. While our law school remains in strong condition, and it is possible that we will see an increase in applications due to the weakened job market, we know that those same market conditions may create problems for many of our current students, recent graduates, and alumni.......

My response:

Dear Dean of Garbage,

I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I am so capable of placing blame on one stimulus for all of my problems. For instance, every time I think of your litter box, I say to myself: "If M&M had not forced me to go to law school, I would not have put up such a resistance to the LSATs and failed them only to meet my fate at a worthless institution followed by a career scattered with various toilet bowels and temping stations and persistent spinsterhood despite all of my efforts."

Truth be told, before this economic crisis, I was like offered a ton of jobs at various law firms. No firm was too good for this sh*tbird. Garbage spent all of their time helping me make my next career move. I would come into servicing a career center, and Beetle Juice's wife would help me make the best decision for me. I was in an advertisement in the subway right next to one for University of Phoenix Online with a series of bullet points right next to me in my graduation gear explaining the opportunities afforded to me. I believe the increase in applications has something to do with this advertisement. Do not quote me on this.

-C da shit boogie.

I WILL NEVER BE JENNY MCCARTHY IF I STOP WRITING

I'M BACK! Truth told, it's been too long. People are starting to question my missing few months and frankly, in these times of recession & budgeting, I'm bored out of my broke mind and need something free to do...
So I'm back and writing, and ironically enough, in a new location filled with awful, illegal, entertaining stories (i.e. rockstars, naked football players, & high rollers with anal fetishes). New ambitions & goals (learning to be a hooker, and other resourceful ways to pay my bills).
Thats right friends - LAS VEGAS!!!
Can't wait to share & catch-up with everyone :)

Everything and Anything Anyone Might Be Thankful For

Anyone who knows anything, or in the alternative, anyone who knows me, knows that M&M have raised Atticus Finch (AF) and I to only celebrate one holiday a year: Thanksgiving. It is true, that even this holiday generally means, well up until recently, dinner at a restaraunt as no one cooks. Well, with the recent addition to our family, AF's wife/my sister in law (Mrs. F), M&M and their progeny now have very warm and lovely Thanksgiving dinners.

This year was no exception. I decided that it would be best if I did not show up to this holiday as the typical solo spinster and invited my gay husband A.J. This proved to be an excellent choice and there was not one single comment directed at my looks, my crassness and/or my perpetual singledom as we had company.

What shocked me the most was how knowledgeable my family is on the topic of religion given that none of us have ever expressed any knowledge or interest in the subject matter (This statement does not apply to M squared who a) would have liked his children to be raised religious but fell victim to M's demands and b) even though he is knowledgeable, he rarely speaks). This conversation was engendered by the spiritual topic of my Grandfather I's passing and subsequent cremation in 2003. No one was aware of the fact that Grandpa I's ashes have not been scattered but sit in M's closet in what she describes as something like a garbage bag with Hebrew scripture on it. M explained that when he was first cremated, she was comforted by grabbing a sweater and seeing her father sitting in the corner. Now, when he is in her way, she just pushes him aside and says "oh, I, excuse me."

The major surprise was that M was capable of enlightening her family on the difference between Christianity and Judaism specific to various views of the Messiah. I guess what is going to happen is that the Messiah is going to "fly down to Israel" and pick up all the Jews and say "come on let's go." The only Jew who will not be picked up is me of course as AF pointed out that I probably will be hit by a car on the way to heaven or something. Orthodox Jews around the world are buried with their feet facing Israel "so they can get there quicker." Well, I guess that makes perfect sense and it would be best if and when he (God willing it is a He) comes he also marries me as then M estimates that I would be some type of Queen or legend or something really good.

M also explained that after reading Joan of Arc, she was desperately afraid that God would come to her and ask her to perform some almighty task. Therefore, she slept with the light on up until leaving for college. AF asked what made her think that God would not pay her visit unless the light was off, and she responded "oh i guess you are right. you are so much smarter than me."