Consultant

You can imagine my complete state of shock when a girlfriend of mine decided to seek out my advice regarding her match.com profile/strategy. I suppose by virtue of being such a dating failure, I have grown into an expert of sorts on dating. In other words, if I were a success, I would have less experience with these sites and/or meeting a douche bag for a drink every other Wednesday night. In fact, I would have no experience at all. While my girlfriends who are happily wed, engaged or in a relationship, I am quite unhappily motoring around facing the dating underdogs on a bimonthly basis.

The purpose of this blog, however, is not to spill the foundations of my heavy cross to bear. It is in fact to share some of my Internet dating techniques.

1. You Can Always Judge a Book By Its Cover:

In a series of six photos, odds are not in your favor if five out of six are in fact decent. If one of those photos makes the gentleman in question look like a total troll, he is in fact a total troll. Make no mistake ladies, this is not so much a question of bad photo shopping techniques/poor angles/stressful day at work, the troll who you are waiting to RSVP to your wine binge is not George Clooney. He is a turtle. In order to reassure that you do not make this god awful mistake, I will point to a simple piece of logic (because I am in fact a member of the New York State Bar I can do this with an air of authority). Men are not that much less vain than women. When creating their profile, they went through the same configuring process you did-they put their best looking face forward. If one of these photos is one of their best faces, well call a bloody plastic surgeon and do not call him By the same token, if the subject in question only has posted one photo, do not reach out to this lonesome soloist. If they could only find one photo that makes them look remotely human, it is not because they are not photogenic. It is in fact because they are subhuman.

2. You Have Friends and Hopefully You Like Them:

I am not going to go through the countless times I have read through retards’ descriptions and thought to myself “well good for you slime, you have friends and you like to hang out with them.” If you put “I like hanging out with my friends” under “my likes” you deserve to remain unwed.

If you are on Internet dating (which agreed countless very attractive, spontaneous and intelligent people are, including moi), you are a dating real life failure. You need the Internet, something that has only existed for about twenty years, to assist you in finding a mate. What would you have done before the Internet? You would have died completely and utterly alone. Bear in mind, for every attractive girl who is on these sites there are ten unattractive male losers who lead a lonely and depressing life. And, if the reader is worth merely a drink on him, he will pick up on this and hit the ex box above your name so he will no longer have to view you in his quest for a mate.

3. Your Boyfriend Should Speak English if he Speaks English:

Ladies, because you are literate, read the bloke’s profile before reaching out to him. If English is his first language and he can not abide by simple grammar rules, he does not in fact speak the Kings and Queens English. What he does speak is one of these three things:

1. Staten Island English;
2. G.E.D. English; or
3. I can not read English

I am going to explain to you why this is a problem. When you are invited to a dinner party thrown by your friend and her very successful stock broker, doctor, etc. husband, and someone asks your gent to pass the wine, he will say something like this “Here is the Peanut No Ear” (phonetic translation for Pinot Noir).