Dear Associate

In my daily Craig's list quest for a job, I came across this posting:

"I am currently finishing my final year of law school. I am seeking a post-graduate position in Manhattan. I have strong academic cRUDEntials and have received several job offers on Long Island, but I am searching for something in New York City. I am primarily interested in securities law, bankruptcy, and estate planning. I would be willing to work as a paralegal for a year to prove myself at a large firm. If you have any advice or would like a copy of my resume please e-mail me. Thank you."

Dear Desperate Asswipe,

You misspelled credentials. But, this might be a Freudian slip on your part. Judging by your description, your actual credentials could in fact be considered "rude," "crude" or offensive. I mean really, if your primary job offer is in Long Island, I take it that your secondary offer is not going to be at Skadden.

Even if one of these firms were to hire a paralegal with the agenda of turning him/her into an attorney, I highly doubt they are scouting the same section as some lowly soda can, such as myself, to do their hiring. HELLO, they do on campus recruiting. They even did on campus recruiting at Garbage which means they surely did on campus recruiting from whatever shit hole you are about to receive your Juris Doctorate. AND NO, those who were lucky enough to get an interview, a step above the rest of us sprite cans (perhaps a Pierre Bottle), did not go into the interview with the intention of bargaining with them for an offer. What are you going to say?

"Ahh, yes Wachtell, I have an offer from a personal injury firm in Long Island for $45,000. Let's open up the negotiations."

So here is my suggestion, take one of the bloody offers in Long Island and then recycle yourself.

-C