I Thought You Would Be Happy For Me

It has recently come to my attention that I suffer from extreme A.D.D. I know people throw this diagnosis around casually, but they really have no idea what they are talking about. Folks, you do not know you have A.D.D. until you have a formal confirmation like I do. Lately, I have been given these assignments at my "firm" where I am asked to do "calculations." As a side note, I am sort of a debt collector. At first this seemed rather glamorous working on "big bank" accounts, but now I realize that collecting debt from financial advisors is in not any different than being the repo man. In fact, it is worse.

Regardless, after making a series of demands to these poor individuals to cough up some change, the junior partner came into my office and asked me to recite the order of the months. When I excelled at this task, he asked then why did I think in a letter I was about to circulate June came after August? Then he asked me to repeat what he had just asked me to make sure I was paying attention. Well, I had no logical explanation until he said the following: "You have severe A.D.D. and I need you to focus. This task is not hard, filling in numbers amongst a form letter. You should be embarrassed." Well, yes I was kind of embarrassed. Not embarrassed as I should be, as now I am disclosing this information to the Internet, but at the time, I most certainly was and had to quickly call d/shit to meet me for drinks at four o’clock in the afternoon.

When I spoke about this with my therapist she did not bat an eyelash. I was most certainly expecting her to disagree with him, but she merely said "Well, are you surprised?" When I explained that I have suspected this much, but failed to disclose that I have been taking "study enhancing drugs" without a formal prescription just to hail a cab, she asked me "Have you ever considered time released Aderoll or Ritalin?"

JUST BRILLIANT. Of course I have been considering the merits of these drugs for the longest time, but have had to go about the strangest methods of obtaining them, i.e. calling Dr. Y (M&M's psychiatrist and drug dealer) to give me some goodies right around exam time. To think that next week I am about to walk into a psychiatrist's office and check off a list and obtain said meds on a regular basis which will last up to eight hours to help me be a better debt collector is just what the doctor ordered, literally.

Of course I had to tell my gay husband the good news and he could not have been more ecstatic and thanked me for taking one for the team. When I told E the jolly news, she asked "if I was okay?" Got to love E, she is so good to me. For the record, E, I am fine and better than I have ever been in my entire life.

WELL IF SKADDEN IS EMBARASSED

It has recently come to my attention that a series of douche bags at Skadden have started ranking their fellow associates' hotness. While I do not exactly condone the behavior, I am a bit of the school of thought that this girl who was nominated the hottest associate IS NOT SO EMBARRASSED. Look, ladies let's all be honest with each other. I was not embarrassed, nor were any of my friends even if they claimed to feel degraded, to be highlighted in my freshman year's facebook. While I certainly did not deserve the attention and was later told by my lame ass boyfriend that he did it himself because "I looked angry hot," I certainly welcomed this nomination. Quite frankly, if I were not highlighted in the freshman class M&M would have pulled me off campus within the first month.

With that in mind, I am a bit disgusted by the balls on this blondie. Not only does this whore work at Skadden and make more money than I ever will see in my life, but apparently she is also hot. I sure hope she is just really photogenic and this is not some way of God telling me that good things come in 181 LSAT packages. Am I supposed to think: "Oh, poor girl. She makes 4524535235352352 a year for doing document review, is smart and is also considered really hot by her fellow very eligible bachelors?" No, I do not think so.

For the record, none of my fellow garbigities are circulating such a nomination in my favor. Furthermore, what in God's name does Skadden have to be embarrassed about? A bloody blog? Really, I am sitting at my current dumpster as we speak drafting a blog about what it is like to be only a quarter of an attorney with a salary that is comparable to an exterminator's. If Skadden's hiring partner finds the firm's culture an embarrassment, he should spend a day in my flip flops. Yes, that is right, I can wear flip flops to work.