Is Elijah Single?

Those of you who are familiar with my upbringing know that I am anything but religious. I am so unreligious that the worst grade I received in college was from an intro to religion class my senior year. I do not know anything about any of the Jewish Holidays and quite often, for fun, some of my waspy friends will quiz me on the big ones and proceed to make fun of me because I am so stupid. It is true that Atticus Finch and I went to Hebrew school for a week. However, we were taken out of the program when it became clear I was having trouble socializing with the other Jewish children and the class's jerbel bit my finger resulting in M&M's conviction that I had rabies.

You can imagine my state of shock when about a week ago, M&M called me ten times in one day asking me to go to some sedar hosted by a family friend. My initial reaction: M&M do not have any friends. However, after I discovered who this alleged ally was, their scheme became all too transparent. Of course, they had a Jewish suitor in mind and told me that if I did not go with them to the sedar, then I would ultimately remain a spinster. (Please note, my therapist and I are currently working on a way for me to build up strength to say "no" to things I do not want to do, but for the time being I am a very easily manipulated subject).

Anyhow, so last Sunday, M&M picked me up and drove me to Long Island where it was clear I did not belong. I do not know how to dress for a sedar and had recently gotten my red hair locks touched up. Consequently, M commented on how I looked like a trollup and warned me to please curb my drinking. I did not follow her instructions, but I did, however, try to appease them by talking to the Jew who they had in mind. All things aside, he was not too awful, but certainly not someone I care to wed let alone see ever again despite M&M's opinion that "he was absolutely stunning."

However, the major problem with this setup is that M&M failed to take into account that their Jewish suitor was in fact a very religious Israeli. Therefore, over the course of the sedar, when I drunkenly announced that I did not know, nor did I care to, follow along in the Haggadah, the suitor who was reciting Hebrew cants, rolled his eyes and was anything but charmed. The major problem was when I was in fact asked to read a passage in English, I could not locate where we were in these various questions because in Hebrew, you read from right to left as opposed to left to right. For someone who is mildly dyslexic, let alone retarded enhanced by four glasses of wine, this posed a major problem. When I finally thought I found the passage, I did in fact read one which had already been read.

After the sedar, I proceeded to drink Elijah’s (who was also situated at my table) manishevitz, and talk about the various attributes of the Urban Outfitters website with the host’s nineteen year old daughter. The suitor proceeded to get up from the table and leave with his family. He did not propose, let alone say goodbye.

So, in the spirit of Passover, I ask M&M: “Why or how is this day different in its nature from other days?” The answer is this day was no different in nature than any other days.