I am sure my readership will be happy to know that I have completed the writing sample to the best of my ability. This most certainly was an arduous task for someone who has not been asked to think in about eight months, let alone conduct extensive research in two jurisdictions and cite properly. I realized at the end of this task, that I do most certainly prefer my job as a database administrator and would rather be left to my own blogging devices than be rudely interrupted by a lawyeresque task.
The most remarkable part of this exercise, aside from the fact that they asked me to do it, is the nature of this question. I am not going to spill all the details, but let me just say this much, there were several issues that someone of garbage caliber is not entirely equipped to handle. This is surprising, being that the firm consists of only garbagites, it most certainly begs the question as to who is answering these questions on a daily basis. It took the superior thinking of Atticus Finch to assist me in this task, and while I thank him, I want to remind him that his training perhaps affords him the ability to answer these questions effectively. When he told me that I had made a jurisdictional argument, one that no one would accept as accurate, I had to remind him that garbigites were not even trained to know in which jurisdiction they were situated, perhaps this was the world telling us that as less than citizens we had no right to sue.
To demonstrate my point Atticus Finch, I have found the question that was posed to my first year writing class at Garbage:
Suzie P was at a Dunkin Donuts in New York when she decided to use the bathroom. The manager, Dunkin, warned her upon entry: "Everyone at this dump has failed to clean up the sewage that is leaking from the toilet. However, feel free to enter at your own risk."
Suzie P really needed to use the toilet and entered the bathroom. Upon entry into the stall she slipped and fell and broke her arm. She yelled for help and lo and behold, a garbigite lawyer descended from the sky and offered to handle her entire case.
Questions:
1. Under New York State Law (see how there is no jurisdictional question Atticus Finch), does Suzie Q have a cause of action against Dunkin Donuts?
2. Under Garbage Ethics, has the Garbage attorney breached the ethical code by soliciting a client directly after her injury?
You have six weeks to answer this question and all citations must be in accordance with any format.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
I care very much about my readers...
My apologies, I am taking a hiatus as the the garbage sphynx has spoken. I am thinking of you and shall be back by the end of the week. I remain truly unemployed and highly unsuccessful.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Who Are You Calling Stupid?
I am perfectly content being rejected from firms that are comprised of an actual group of attorneys. In fact, I welcome it. When it comes to firms, I am sort of the school of thought that I would refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Consequently, when last Thursday I was extended an interview at a firm that was comprised of primarily garbage graduates, I made a mental note that this place was surely a toilet and it would take someone like me, a complete vagrant with no standards, to even consider working for such a practice. Needless to say, I felt that I would be received with open arms, almost as though the firm would ask upon my arrival "What took you so long to get here? We have been waiting for you." After all, if we are strictly talking about my Alma Matta, I am not so easily frowned upon. It is only when we are speaking about schools in tiers one-three that I really find myself in a pickle.
You can imagine my complete state of shock when I was not in fact welcomed by this practice, but in fact rudely interrogated. This Garbagish Inquisition was accompanied by rude stares by the soda can sitting at the end of the table, let alone awkward silences. While I tried to feign massive appreciation for the representation of cock roaches in class action suits against unsolicited exterminators, not one soda can even so much as noted that I not only have all my limbs, but all facial features unobstructed by strange growths as well.
Just when I thought this was too much to bear, the head soda can asked me if I would not mind drafting a writing sample in response to a sample question. When I explained this shan’t be a problem, I was told that soda can, jr. would send me a copy of the question by email within the hour. On the walk back to my temporary post, I was cursing myself out that I had agreed to do this writing sample given that I would have to be completely insane to consider accepting an offer in the event one was made to me. Regardless, after a full venting session to co-counsel (who has recently obtained permanent employment giving her companion much hope), I went to check my email expecting the arrival of this said question. And, I will have you know; five hours later I am still awaiting the arrival of the sphinx’s question indicating that not even my own brethren will give me a break. Needless to say, at the end of the day, in lieu of an unsolicited writing sample, I most certainly will be submitting this blog entry.
You can imagine my complete state of shock when I was not in fact welcomed by this practice, but in fact rudely interrogated. This Garbagish Inquisition was accompanied by rude stares by the soda can sitting at the end of the table, let alone awkward silences. While I tried to feign massive appreciation for the representation of cock roaches in class action suits against unsolicited exterminators, not one soda can even so much as noted that I not only have all my limbs, but all facial features unobstructed by strange growths as well.
Just when I thought this was too much to bear, the head soda can asked me if I would not mind drafting a writing sample in response to a sample question. When I explained this shan’t be a problem, I was told that soda can, jr. would send me a copy of the question by email within the hour. On the walk back to my temporary post, I was cursing myself out that I had agreed to do this writing sample given that I would have to be completely insane to consider accepting an offer in the event one was made to me. Regardless, after a full venting session to co-counsel (who has recently obtained permanent employment giving her companion much hope), I went to check my email expecting the arrival of this said question. And, I will have you know; five hours later I am still awaiting the arrival of the sphinx’s question indicating that not even my own brethren will give me a break. Needless to say, at the end of the day, in lieu of an unsolicited writing sample, I most certainly will be submitting this blog entry.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
You Are Barking Up The Wrong Tree
Today, during my daily quest for suitable employment, I sought solace from Garbage's careernet. Usually, amongst a mix of firms located in China town, there are an assortment of non-traditional legal position listings including ballet dancer, toll booth operator and/or MTA worker. I of course apply for all jobs that are posted on this site. My rationale: "There is simply no good reason that I should be rejected by these postings." Of course, I am, and that is my cross to bear.
Today, I found a position that I in good faith can not consider. This is rare, as I am willing to stoop so low as to apply for a position to be an extra on Gossip Girl, a staff writer for a pornographic publication and/or versions of my current post elsewhere. However, I absolutely can not apply for the following:
_____________________________________________________________________________________
LSAT Instructor—Part-time
Description: Compensation: $35-$50 per hour
Hours: 8-12 hours per week
Company Description:
PowerScore is one of America's fastest growing providers of test preparation services for graduate school admission tests. We offer classes in over 75 domestic and international locations.
Position Description:
We are looking for talented and dynamic individuals to teach our LSAT courses in the New York City area (and elsewhere). No prior LSAT teaching experience is necessary as we will provide you with all the training you need. As an instructor, you will be responsible for teaching concepts and techniques, analyzing questions, and leading class discussions. Extensive training is provided.
Requirements:
All applicants must have scored in the 99th percentile on a Law Services administered LSAT (qualifying scores are 171 to 180 on the pre-June 2005 scale; 172 to 180 on the current scale; and 46 to 48 on the pre-1991 scale). There are no exceptions to this requirement.
Contact Information:
Please apply online at http://www.powerscore.com/lsat/instructor.htm or email job inquiries to hr@powerscore.com.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Powerscore, what type of joke is this? I mean, are you mocking me? No one at Garbage has above a -150 on their LSATs. As a categorical rule, you should instruct your human resources department to not permit postings at such an institution. It is just plain rude. If for some reason subject scored in the 99th percentile on their LSATS, they sure as hell are not perusing garbage's careernet to apply to the same jobs that this subject is perusing. Now that you have offended me so, the only possible manner you can redeem yourself is kindly ask administrator of LSATs to allow someone in the 99th percentile to take retake the LSATs for me. Or rather, next time you post on my Alma Matta's careernet, I will actually submit an application for your consideration and when you see my LSAT score, you can suffer the same shame and mockery that you have caused me to suffer this afternoon.
Today, I found a position that I in good faith can not consider. This is rare, as I am willing to stoop so low as to apply for a position to be an extra on Gossip Girl, a staff writer for a pornographic publication and/or versions of my current post elsewhere. However, I absolutely can not apply for the following:
_____________________________________________________________________________________
LSAT Instructor—Part-time
Description: Compensation: $35-$50 per hour
Hours: 8-12 hours per week
Company Description:
PowerScore is one of America's fastest growing providers of test preparation services for graduate school admission tests. We offer classes in over 75 domestic and international locations.
Position Description:
We are looking for talented and dynamic individuals to teach our LSAT courses in the New York City area (and elsewhere). No prior LSAT teaching experience is necessary as we will provide you with all the training you need. As an instructor, you will be responsible for teaching concepts and techniques, analyzing questions, and leading class discussions. Extensive training is provided.
Requirements:
All applicants must have scored in the 99th percentile on a Law Services administered LSAT (qualifying scores are 171 to 180 on the pre-June 2005 scale; 172 to 180 on the current scale; and 46 to 48 on the pre-1991 scale). There are no exceptions to this requirement.
Contact Information:
Please apply online at http://www.powerscore.com/lsat/instructor.htm or email job inquiries to hr@powerscore.com.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Powerscore, what type of joke is this? I mean, are you mocking me? No one at Garbage has above a -150 on their LSATs. As a categorical rule, you should instruct your human resources department to not permit postings at such an institution. It is just plain rude. If for some reason subject scored in the 99th percentile on their LSATS, they sure as hell are not perusing garbage's careernet to apply to the same jobs that this subject is perusing. Now that you have offended me so, the only possible manner you can redeem yourself is kindly ask administrator of LSATs to allow someone in the 99th percentile to take retake the LSATs for me. Or rather, next time you post on my Alma Matta's careernet, I will actually submit an application for your consideration and when you see my LSAT score, you can suffer the same shame and mockery that you have caused me to suffer this afternoon.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Do I Have to Put On a Suit?
Today, I was offered an interview. After several clarifications from the non-English speaking receptionist, it became clear to me that the name of the firm is DeclineLawGroup. I am not sure if DeclineLawGroup is any different than all of the law groups who have kindly declined to give me a position, including a position merely in the file room. When I was finally able to decipher a website for this firm, I came across a big picture of a bear on the homepage. I am wondering if DeclineLawGroup is in the practice of defending zoo animals, and if so, will I be provided veterinary insurance?
Monday, April 14, 2008
CELEBRATION
As most of you are probably well aware, my best friend (dipshit) is getting married in less than two weeks. While this is a joyous occasion for all involved, this is most certainly not a joyous occasion for M&M. In fact, an entire day was dedicated to back and forth yelling and screaming after I told M&M that I have no place for a baby in my life or in my actual living space. I am not sure why this came as a surprise. After all, I live in a one bedroom conversion apartment; have no health insurance, not to mention a spouse. Furthermore, my roomie’s mother spent an entire day finding space for all of my books.
Of course this argument was not really about a baby, but was about the up and coming affair which clearly M&M have been a little too alerted to post getting an invitation in the mail. The voicemails that were left on my cell before I threw it out the window were as follows:
1. C, in five years from now you will not be so cute. Arguably, you are not so cute now. You should think with the mentality of wanting a baby as to make you more marriageable and/or cute.
2. C, your best friend is getting married and all we have heard of is some of your toned down slutty escapades. You are never getting married and are a spinster.
3. C, your best friend is getting married and will be walked down the aisle in the week and a half; no one is walking you down the aisle aside from a groomsman.
While I am not going to go through the reasons why one and two are a little bit off the mark, WELL AT least one is wrong even if two is right, consider this blog a formal correction to statement three.
Today, I had the happy occasion of getting an email from the groom regarding some typical bridal party affairs. Within this email was a list of the pairings of bridesmaids with groomsmen. I skimmed this over, but upon second glance of this arrangement, I noticed that something was not right. I am going to ask my readership to make a determination as to why M&M's third proposition is entirely wrong based on the pairings:
1. Bridesmaid A 1. Groomsman A
2. Bridesmaid B 2. Groomsman B
3. Bridesmaid C (MOI) 3. Groomsman C (NOT PRESANT)
4. Bridesmaid D 4. Groomsman D
Of course this argument was not really about a baby, but was about the up and coming affair which clearly M&M have been a little too alerted to post getting an invitation in the mail. The voicemails that were left on my cell before I threw it out the window were as follows:
1. C, in five years from now you will not be so cute. Arguably, you are not so cute now. You should think with the mentality of wanting a baby as to make you more marriageable and/or cute.
2. C, your best friend is getting married and all we have heard of is some of your toned down slutty escapades. You are never getting married and are a spinster.
3. C, your best friend is getting married and will be walked down the aisle in the week and a half; no one is walking you down the aisle aside from a groomsman.
While I am not going to go through the reasons why one and two are a little bit off the mark, WELL AT least one is wrong even if two is right, consider this blog a formal correction to statement three.
Today, I had the happy occasion of getting an email from the groom regarding some typical bridal party affairs. Within this email was a list of the pairings of bridesmaids with groomsmen. I skimmed this over, but upon second glance of this arrangement, I noticed that something was not right. I am going to ask my readership to make a determination as to why M&M's third proposition is entirely wrong based on the pairings:
1. Bridesmaid A 1. Groomsman A
2. Bridesmaid B 2. Groomsman B
3. Bridesmaid C (MOI) 3. Groomsman C (NOT PRESANT)
4. Bridesmaid D 4. Groomsman D
Friday, April 11, 2008
Whack It
Im going on a date with a toilet. Okay, obviously that's dramatic. Nicely put, he's slightly awkward looking. I happen to actually enjoy guys that can pull off the awkward look, I personally have no problem saying to my friends "This is ____, isn't he so ugly?! Its almost cute!". Maybe this is because I'm an artist at heart & I can find beauty in (nearly) everything. Maybe it's also because he has a real job, AND a great apartment (don't ask, false pretenses), AND he can dress himself, quite nicely actually.
There is, however, a larger problem. This may or may not have been mentioned in my earlier roundup of 'dates', but this specific suitor has an indescribable kissing technique. Wait, erase that, it's actually describable, yes, it is similar to that game at the arcade where the groundhogs pop up out of the holes & you hit them with a maillot. I was always really good at the actual arcade game, but when it came to beating off his tongue, well no amount of tickets would have had me going back for more. Ofcourse, me, being preoccupied & without plans at the time of the dinner invite, failed to remember this previous problem & I happily agreed to an entire night planned by him.
Im just hoping I can walk away with a big stuffed bear, or at least a candy necklace.
There is, however, a larger problem. This may or may not have been mentioned in my earlier roundup of 'dates', but this specific suitor has an indescribable kissing technique. Wait, erase that, it's actually describable, yes, it is similar to that game at the arcade where the groundhogs pop up out of the holes & you hit them with a maillot. I was always really good at the actual arcade game, but when it came to beating off his tongue, well no amount of tickets would have had me going back for more. Ofcourse, me, being preoccupied & without plans at the time of the dinner invite, failed to remember this previous problem & I happily agreed to an entire night planned by him.
Im just hoping I can walk away with a big stuffed bear, or at least a candy necklace.
Yes, the sky is Blue
I am writing about this because currently it happens to be one of the big decisions in my life (along with the back & forth battle of whether its still acceptable to wearing black tights).
It has really only been in the past 5 years that I have experienced the flood of cross-country invites from prospective suitors. If you are lucky/unlucky enough to not be familiar with this, it translates into a you are here and I am there so I will bring you here and we will both be here together.
Most, if not all, of these potential boyfriends/ex-boyfriends/creeps rarely hold more than 3 legitimate conversations with me before offering to fly me at any desired date in the upcoming near future to his home/mansion/hotel in a city on the beach/water/hills so he can pamper/wine&dine me.
In a movie this would play out as effortless & cool as it sounds when they first mention it. It may even play out (in a movie) similarly to how your close girlfriends would image & encourage you to the point of actually agreeing to this kidnapping of sorts, before realizing that nothing comes without a price. I mean, even Google won't pull you up in a search if you don't scream his name all over your page. As is this situation, which, as hopeless romantic and risk taking as I may be, I know that there is no such thing as a free ride. So having said that, I am tallying the missed opportunities of the past 3 months for good measure. They are as follows:
1-Miami
2-Chicago
3-San Diego
4-Greece (lets be honest, I could've sucked it up, or down, for that one)
5-Vegas
6-LA
7- Santa Barbara
To be honest, the mental shame that would've been (added) to my conscious, & furthermore my overall 'number', would not be worth it. With the exception of Greece possibly... man that guy was little...
It has really only been in the past 5 years that I have experienced the flood of cross-country invites from prospective suitors. If you are lucky/unlucky enough to not be familiar with this, it translates into a you are here and I am there so I will bring you here and we will both be here together.
Most, if not all, of these potential boyfriends/ex-boyfriends/creeps rarely hold more than 3 legitimate conversations with me before offering to fly me at any desired date in the upcoming near future to his home/mansion/hotel in a city on the beach/water/hills so he can pamper/wine&dine me.
In a movie this would play out as effortless & cool as it sounds when they first mention it. It may even play out (in a movie) similarly to how your close girlfriends would image & encourage you to the point of actually agreeing to this kidnapping of sorts, before realizing that nothing comes without a price. I mean, even Google won't pull you up in a search if you don't scream his name all over your page. As is this situation, which, as hopeless romantic and risk taking as I may be, I know that there is no such thing as a free ride. So having said that, I am tallying the missed opportunities of the past 3 months for good measure. They are as follows:
1-Miami
2-Chicago
3-San Diego
4-Greece (lets be honest, I could've sucked it up, or down, for that one)
5-Vegas
6-LA
7- Santa Barbara
To be honest, the mental shame that would've been (added) to my conscious, & furthermore my overall 'number', would not be worth it. With the exception of Greece possibly... man that guy was little...
I Win
We are officially Googleable!!
After a solid month of regular 'blogging' we were starting to wonder why, with people in New York, Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Florida & whoever else accidently mistypes a web address and ends up on our page reading our pointless, cynical, waste of time entries, we still weren't anywhere on Google's radar...
This all changed today. Mark it, April 11th, the 1st day of our googleability.
Now, it seems only rational that the only reason Google has taken notice of our lil ole page here, is because, being a man & extremely self obsessed, Google noticed we mentioned Gmail & has since embraced us as an authentic internet space filler. We have zero qualms about obliging to this & if you notice a little more effort towards the topic of Google and all things googleable, please do not be surprised. After all, when you know what a man likes...
* for the fun of it: Google image of the day -> Loser
After a solid month of regular 'blogging' we were starting to wonder why, with people in New York, Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Florida & whoever else accidently mistypes a web address and ends up on our page reading our pointless, cynical, waste of time entries, we still weren't anywhere on Google's radar...
This all changed today. Mark it, April 11th, the 1st day of our googleability.
Now, it seems only rational that the only reason Google has taken notice of our lil ole page here, is because, being a man & extremely self obsessed, Google noticed we mentioned Gmail & has since embraced us as an authentic internet space filler. We have zero qualms about obliging to this & if you notice a little more effort towards the topic of Google and all things googleable, please do not be surprised. After all, when you know what a man likes...
* for the fun of it: Google image of the day -> Loser
Shut The F*9ck Up GMAIL
I am so sick and tired of gmail guessing the email addresses I am typing as I am typing. I mean, if I want to apply to the same job five times, that is my prerogative. It is just so bloody rude for my own email, something that is computer oriented, to mock me in this manner.
If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say, Don't Say Anything At All
This morning I was all too rudely reminded that it is high time that I find myself a legitimate job and/or someone offers me a legitimate job. This became all too clear to me when I attempted to log on to my computer and a pop up told me that my session had expired and I was advised to speak to my system administrator.
I am familiar with the process of large companies outsourcing their labor to India and this publishing conglomerate is no exception. Therefore, I spent an hour and a half on the phone with Bengladesh, India. When it became clear that they had no intentions of extending my session, I sought in-house help. I explained my situation to the "facilities coordinator" and that I had been relying on India's technical assistance. The facilities coordinator told me that I had not in fact been speaking to an Indian located in India, but an American of Indian descent who just happened to have an Indian accent. I explained that I am not a racist and that I understand that Indians in America quite often have Indian accents, but I am fairly certain that this Indian was located on another continent. He corrected me and explained to me that every time you call the help desk, you are in fact just calling the 11th floor.
Okay, I was willing to accept this as truth. But here is the thing, when nothing had changed in my situation; I called the help desk again to test his theory. I asked if this young man would be so kind to come up to the 17th floor where I am located to trouble shoot. His response was he can not, as he is in India, but perhaps he could send a person within the company up to my temporary post.
This debate aside, I was surprised to find out that when the problem was finally resolved and my session was extended for yet another six months, I was given a new password that would grant me access to the system: "Welcome to Your Life; You Should have Asked your Administrator for Another Year's Worth of Session Time."
I am familiar with the process of large companies outsourcing their labor to India and this publishing conglomerate is no exception. Therefore, I spent an hour and a half on the phone with Bengladesh, India. When it became clear that they had no intentions of extending my session, I sought in-house help. I explained my situation to the "facilities coordinator" and that I had been relying on India's technical assistance. The facilities coordinator told me that I had not in fact been speaking to an Indian located in India, but an American of Indian descent who just happened to have an Indian accent. I explained that I am not a racist and that I understand that Indians in America quite often have Indian accents, but I am fairly certain that this Indian was located on another continent. He corrected me and explained to me that every time you call the help desk, you are in fact just calling the 11th floor.
Okay, I was willing to accept this as truth. But here is the thing, when nothing had changed in my situation; I called the help desk again to test his theory. I asked if this young man would be so kind to come up to the 17th floor where I am located to trouble shoot. His response was he can not, as he is in India, but perhaps he could send a person within the company up to my temporary post.
This debate aside, I was surprised to find out that when the problem was finally resolved and my session was extended for yet another six months, I was given a new password that would grant me access to the system: "Welcome to Your Life; You Should have Asked your Administrator for Another Year's Worth of Session Time."
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
JinxyMcDeath Should Be Put To Death
In my daily quest for amusement, I was all too happy to read Gawker's analysis of last night's Real Housewives of NYC. I usually am so satiated by Emily Gould's insight, that I see no need to read the comments that follow. And, it is true, that I found that Gawker handled Countess Go Kill Yourself's need to be called by Bethany's driver Mrs. DeLesseps very well. I was just about ready to enter another contract within the database, when co-counsel drew my attention to JinxyMcDeath's comment:
"I'm a lawyer at a big law firm here in NYC. I would NEVER let someone call me "Ms." Everyone is welcome to call me by my first name, as I am to call them by their first name. If someone at the firm (i.e. secretary, clerk, etc.) calls me Ms. I immediately say "please call me, Jinxy McDeath." Anyone who doesn't is a douche."
Wrong, Jinxy McDeath, you are so clearly the douche. Are you really comparing yourself to being a countess, Luann no less, because you are a "lawyer at a big firm?" I am not belittling your achievements, as I am a lawyer at no firm, but for the love of Christ, I did not notice that Prince William was scouting on campus recruitment to work 25 out of 24 hours a day because he needed to pay off his student loans. I mean really Jinxy, Countess DeLeesepps does not need to work anywhere, let alone as a slave to some big corporate practice.
What are you, 25? Do you think the "secretaries," "clerks," garbigites who do your document review, think that you command enough respect that they need to refer to you by anything by your god awful first name? I do not think so. In fact, I imagine the moment you f*ck up some assignment, the secretaries secretly chat about how you are the dumbest first year associate and then quickly edit your work so it is presentable.
My only hope for you is that you do in fact run into Countess DeLesepps as her divorce attorney and make the mistake of calling her LuAnn. At this point, she most likely will tell you to please refer to her by her proper name as attorneys, much like those who repair her drain pipes, are merely providing some type of dirty labor for her.
"I'm a lawyer at a big law firm here in NYC. I would NEVER let someone call me "Ms." Everyone is welcome to call me by my first name, as I am to call them by their first name. If someone at the firm (i.e. secretary, clerk, etc.) calls me Ms. I immediately say "please call me, Jinxy McDeath." Anyone who doesn't is a douche."
Wrong, Jinxy McDeath, you are so clearly the douche. Are you really comparing yourself to being a countess, Luann no less, because you are a "lawyer at a big firm?" I am not belittling your achievements, as I am a lawyer at no firm, but for the love of Christ, I did not notice that Prince William was scouting on campus recruitment to work 25 out of 24 hours a day because he needed to pay off his student loans. I mean really Jinxy, Countess DeLeesepps does not need to work anywhere, let alone as a slave to some big corporate practice.
What are you, 25? Do you think the "secretaries," "clerks," garbigites who do your document review, think that you command enough respect that they need to refer to you by anything by your god awful first name? I do not think so. In fact, I imagine the moment you f*ck up some assignment, the secretaries secretly chat about how you are the dumbest first year associate and then quickly edit your work so it is presentable.
My only hope for you is that you do in fact run into Countess DeLesepps as her divorce attorney and make the mistake of calling her LuAnn. At this point, she most likely will tell you to please refer to her by her proper name as attorneys, much like those who repair her drain pipes, are merely providing some type of dirty labor for her.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Each to His Own
Some people are called back for a second round of interviews for an attorney position, I have been called in for a second round of interviews for a document review position.
AF's finch inquiry might be, "Well C, why in God's name would you bother doing a document review job when you already have a temporary position?"
My prepared response is as follows: "The document review job is across the street from the publishing house. I do not plan on quitting one temporary post for another. I just plan on doing both without anyone noticing."
AF's finch inquiry might be, "Well C, why in God's name would you bother doing a document review job when you already have a temporary position?"
My prepared response is as follows: "The document review job is across the street from the publishing house. I do not plan on quitting one temporary post for another. I just plan on doing both without anyone noticing."
Monday, April 7, 2008
Words Have Escaped Me
Well, well, well. The moment we have all been waiting for has finally arrived; M has completed her novel. I was all too pleased to be called on Saturday morning to meet M&Msquared for coffee so I could pick up a complete copy of the bound manuscript. While I had explained to the delightful couple that I was not going to finish the rather weighty story until the end of the week, I spoke too soon. I read the entire thing yesterday.
Aside from the fact that there are serious holes in this plot, I understand the basic message of this "Time Traveller's Porn;" M's 27 yr. old spinster daughter (C/Moi) can not possibly get married in the 21st century. Consequently, she has to travel back to 1815 to find someone to love and abuse her. The first major sex scene, which M's sister, my Aunt "A," had described as "mild," is anything but. I am completely and utterly humiliated and taken advantage of. And sure, it does not matter that any self respecting woman would pick up her belongings after this episode for the 21st Century, I stick around and decide I am in love.
Snuff scene aside, it is a really good thing that M paid tribute to my true husband, my gay black friend, AJ who is called Aphonse in this tale. Aphonse is a child in the nineteenth century who was adopted by my fictional mentor Frances prior to the abolition of slavery in England. This adoption scene takes place when Frances and I decide that it would be a good idea at a masquerade ball to engage in some "soul dancing" with the other slaves. By the end of the novel, Aphonse is a famous chef who is considered to have broken some of the racial boundaries of his time. I am very happy that AJ has a good sense of humor, as while this is semi endearing and funny, I am not so sure this does not coincide with some of the more patriarchial plots that I dissected in some of my Enlgish literature classes in college. Regardless, AJ, you have no right to be offended. First of all, M writes me in as a major contributor to the abolition movement after I say two sentences to Wilberforce at this masquerade ball. Second of all, you survive a small pox epidemic because you were vaccinated in Africa before you arrived in England. Some of the white children were none too lucky, including my step son.
And if you want to talk about offended sensibilities, I am about to quote some of the text. I dare say, it's a good thing I have not commit suicide this morning:
Title Chapter II: Atticus Finch & His Wife Get Married, C Gets Drunk.
Excerpt: C knew she was dressing for Percy [my future 19th century husband] and she knew she was a fool to do so. When was a man she liked ever going to like her back? Well, both boys [two youngsters who are integral to the plot] like her but they were nine years old....
Excerpt: Percy looked at C as if she had as much sex appeal as the chair she was sitting on. But she didn't expect his next comment, which was-
Percy: "C, are you here for the hunting season?" C said she barely rode. Percy: "You don't have to ride for the husband hunting season."
C: "I am too older for that sport, as you can well see."
Excerpt: C was so hurt that Percy thought her both pathetic and unattractive. He probably thought her a big gawk....Of course she had been rejected on sight before, but never was she forced to live with the person.
Excerpt: C was the oldest deb that night. She felt like a spinster. The girls looked like college freshmen and the young bucks looked like frat boys. ..The girls all whispering, loud enough for C to hear, that they'd die if they were single at her age. How old was she? At least twenty-five? They all giggled. She was hurt, but doesn't the truth always hurt.
Aside from the fact that there are serious holes in this plot, I understand the basic message of this "Time Traveller's Porn;" M's 27 yr. old spinster daughter (C/Moi) can not possibly get married in the 21st century. Consequently, she has to travel back to 1815 to find someone to love and abuse her. The first major sex scene, which M's sister, my Aunt "A," had described as "mild," is anything but. I am completely and utterly humiliated and taken advantage of. And sure, it does not matter that any self respecting woman would pick up her belongings after this episode for the 21st Century, I stick around and decide I am in love.
Snuff scene aside, it is a really good thing that M paid tribute to my true husband, my gay black friend, AJ who is called Aphonse in this tale. Aphonse is a child in the nineteenth century who was adopted by my fictional mentor Frances prior to the abolition of slavery in England. This adoption scene takes place when Frances and I decide that it would be a good idea at a masquerade ball to engage in some "soul dancing" with the other slaves. By the end of the novel, Aphonse is a famous chef who is considered to have broken some of the racial boundaries of his time. I am very happy that AJ has a good sense of humor, as while this is semi endearing and funny, I am not so sure this does not coincide with some of the more patriarchial plots that I dissected in some of my Enlgish literature classes in college. Regardless, AJ, you have no right to be offended. First of all, M writes me in as a major contributor to the abolition movement after I say two sentences to Wilberforce at this masquerade ball. Second of all, you survive a small pox epidemic because you were vaccinated in Africa before you arrived in England. Some of the white children were none too lucky, including my step son.
And if you want to talk about offended sensibilities, I am about to quote some of the text. I dare say, it's a good thing I have not commit suicide this morning:
Title Chapter II: Atticus Finch & His Wife Get Married, C Gets Drunk.
Excerpt: C knew she was dressing for Percy [my future 19th century husband] and she knew she was a fool to do so. When was a man she liked ever going to like her back? Well, both boys [two youngsters who are integral to the plot] like her but they were nine years old....
Excerpt: Percy looked at C as if she had as much sex appeal as the chair she was sitting on. But she didn't expect his next comment, which was-
Percy: "C, are you here for the hunting season?" C said she barely rode. Percy: "You don't have to ride for the husband hunting season."
C: "I am too older for that sport, as you can well see."
Excerpt: C was so hurt that Percy thought her both pathetic and unattractive. He probably thought her a big gawk....Of course she had been rejected on sight before, but never was she forced to live with the person.
Excerpt: C was the oldest deb that night. She felt like a spinster. The girls looked like college freshmen and the young bucks looked like frat boys. ..The girls all whispering, loud enough for C to hear, that they'd die if they were single at her age. How old was she? At least twenty-five? They all giggled. She was hurt, but doesn't the truth always hurt.
Friday, April 4, 2008
I stand corrected
The firm had my old email on file from college. Let me clarify, the firm is interviewing someone for an attorney position who has the work experience of a 21 year old.
who you gonna call?
I was all too happy to be offered an interview at a criminal defense firm. The receptionist told me she would send me an email with the information three hours ago. I have yet to receive this information. Consequently, I took it upon myself to call back said establishment. However, when I called back, I was informed that this number is no longer in service.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Considered & Declined
I have always been a proponent of immediate gratification. For instance, by the time co-counsel and I have returned from our five minute journey to Hale & Hearty Soups, I have finished my entire free oyster crackers. This need for immediate gratification translates into all areas of my life. Some might call this compulsive behavior, but in my defense, anticipation make me nervous.
This is part of the reason I really like the staffing agency, Glocap. On a daily basis, the agency will drop me an email suggesting that I apply to a paralegal position. I sometimes ignore them, but on days where I am feeling particularly generous and want to share my beautifully revised resume which correctly indicates the year I was admitted to the Bar (for a few days I had made a clerical error and indicated that I was admitted to the Bar in 2009. I was going happily about my business until some other staffing agency inquired if I was back from the future), I apply. Glocap makes it so easy for me to apply to their suggested positions that I sometimes so much as think of hitting the submit button, and Voila, it is done.
It has come to my attention that as easy as it is for me to apply to these suggested positions, it is even easier for Glocap to reject me. In my daily quest for gainful employment, I will go to this all too helpful Glocap website just to see what is cooking. Then, I usually attempt to slit my wrists:
04/02/08: Temporary Legal Hedge Fund Operational Risk Analyst; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
03/19/08: Junior Compliance Attorney; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
03/06/08: Literary Department Contract Coordinator; DECLINED BY CLIENT
03/05/08: Associate Vice President(yes I realize this was a stretch); POSITION FILLED
02/21/08: Hedge Fund Attorney; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
02/21/08: Trading Agreements Negotiator; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
02/21/08: Contract Analyst; Under active consideration. If you check back tomorrow you will have been CONSIDERRED AND DECLINED.
This is part of the reason I really like the staffing agency, Glocap. On a daily basis, the agency will drop me an email suggesting that I apply to a paralegal position. I sometimes ignore them, but on days where I am feeling particularly generous and want to share my beautifully revised resume which correctly indicates the year I was admitted to the Bar (for a few days I had made a clerical error and indicated that I was admitted to the Bar in 2009. I was going happily about my business until some other staffing agency inquired if I was back from the future), I apply. Glocap makes it so easy for me to apply to their suggested positions that I sometimes so much as think of hitting the submit button, and Voila, it is done.
It has come to my attention that as easy as it is for me to apply to these suggested positions, it is even easier for Glocap to reject me. In my daily quest for gainful employment, I will go to this all too helpful Glocap website just to see what is cooking. Then, I usually attempt to slit my wrists:
04/02/08: Temporary Legal Hedge Fund Operational Risk Analyst; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
03/19/08: Junior Compliance Attorney; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
03/06/08: Literary Department Contract Coordinator; DECLINED BY CLIENT
03/05/08: Associate Vice President(yes I realize this was a stretch); POSITION FILLED
02/21/08: Hedge Fund Attorney; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
02/21/08: Trading Agreements Negotiator; CONSIDERED AND DECLINED
02/21/08: Contract Analyst; Under active consideration. If you check back tomorrow you will have been CONSIDERRED AND DECLINED.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Fungus
This should be a lesson to all my fellow garbigites. If you are like me and have resolved yourself to never work in the insurance defense industry again, then you must believe me when I tell you that if a website describes the practice as being grounded in several areas, and one of those areas is in fact insurance defense, then the entire practice serves insurance companies. The practice does not handle any of the following matters:
1. Intellectual Property Litigation;
2. Corporate Litigation; or
3. Securities Litigation.
The respective toilet is not so much as perpetuating a fraud as it simply trying to make itself sound legitiamte. This is similar to how I describe myself on various internet dating sites as bilingual. This is only partially a lie. I did in fact take Spanish in high school and was commended for my abilities by virtue of being awarded the Spanish Three Award. Then, I proceeded to score a 100 on the Spanish Regents and landed a series of Puerto Rican and Columbian allies. And quite frankly, I converse quite comfortably with Spanish natives by virtue of posing the following quesitons:
1. Where is the nearest bathroom and/or library?
2. Is it hot/cold outside today?
3. Are you feeling better after your bout of the flu?
Needless to say these respective toilets have not earned the same type of respect in the legal community as I have earned in the Spanish Community. So, in essence, when you see this description, do not think you are interviewing at Fitzpatrick. You are in fact interviewing here:
1. Intellectual Property Litigation;
2. Corporate Litigation; or
3. Securities Litigation.
The respective toilet is not so much as perpetuating a fraud as it simply trying to make itself sound legitiamte. This is similar to how I describe myself on various internet dating sites as bilingual. This is only partially a lie. I did in fact take Spanish in high school and was commended for my abilities by virtue of being awarded the Spanish Three Award. Then, I proceeded to score a 100 on the Spanish Regents and landed a series of Puerto Rican and Columbian allies. And quite frankly, I converse quite comfortably with Spanish natives by virtue of posing the following quesitons:
1. Where is the nearest bathroom and/or library?
2. Is it hot/cold outside today?
3. Are you feeling better after your bout of the flu?
Needless to say these respective toilets have not earned the same type of respect in the legal community as I have earned in the Spanish Community. So, in essence, when you see this description, do not think you are interviewing at Fitzpatrick. You are in fact interviewing here:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
