AND TO THINK ALL OF THIS TIME WENT BY WITHOUT ME KNOWING

I am sure some of my fellow garbigites have had the promising experience of meeting with a legal recruiter. Typically, I decline, but my therapist and I have been working on ways for me to be more optimistic regarding employment opportunities. Not only am I meeting with legal recruiters, I have applieded to become a legal recruiter, but quickly retreated when I learned that well, I would be terrible at it.

It is funny because yesterday in therapy I spent an hour telling my paid mother/friend why legal recruiters are worthless to not everyone, but to Garbigites. The main reason is because legal recruiters do not have clients who are small toilets located on the corner of F*ck and S*it street. They cater major large firms. Or let me rephrase, in the alternative, legal recruiters can only place actual lawyers who did not belong practicing on the corner of F*ck and S*it street. Ultimately, legal recruiters cannot place me.

Despite my stance on legal recruiters I met with one today. Generally speaking, a legal recruiter will see that I did not do tooooo badly at Garbage and will make an empty promise of circulating my resume to "some places they have in mind." I never press any further as I realize this is a worthless endeavor. Today. Was. Different.

The man I met with today has seemingly arrived from planet "everyone deserves a shot even if their LSAT score should be forgotten, unlike the Holocaust, or something." Anyhow, I was informed that because of my undergraduate degree from a small liberal arts college located in the Midwest which has a magnificent writing program, and, well because I IN FACT was an English major, I would be appreciated at most, if not all firms. The one and ONLY problem is that not everyone on the East coast has heard of this institution.

MY, MY, MY. WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID I NOT THINK OF THIS BEFORE? Surely, I have considered ways to maneuver my way out of the Garbage stigma. I have even gone so far as calling the f*cker some ABA approved institution, but this has seemingly all come to naught. This guy clearly has the right idea. It is clear based on my series of interviews at big firms that have extended me an interview based solely on their interest in my senior thesis. When I tried to talk about my many "accomplishments" in law school, they were so bloody curious as to what it was like to go to school in the middle of bumblef*ck Ohio that they introduced me as "C, graduate from liberal arts school in Ohio and Georgetown Law." That were so impressed that they forgot where I graduated from law school. In fact, when I offered my "professional" writing sample, the head partner has always been like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? PLEASE SHOW ME YOUR ANALYSIS OF 19TH CENTURY LITERATURE IN INDIA WHERE YOU RECEIVED AN A MINUS!!!!!!!" Word is out that only people from liberal arts school in the Midwest that majored in English are allowed to apply to Skadden. This is open to all of thoe who went to this specific liberal arts institution, even those who managed to be admitted to NYU, Harvard, Yale, and the University of Michigan.

With this in mind have completely revised my resume. Here it is:


EDUCATION:

LIBERAL ARTS SCHOOL IN THE MIDWEST, BA IN ENGGGGGGGLLLLLIIISSHHHHH LIT, MAGGGGNNANNANAANA CUM LAAAUUUUDDDDE CHALLAH, MOFO DEAN'S LIST; SEE HOW I GOT DISTINCTION ON MY SENIOR THESIS CONCERNING VIRGINA WOOLF'S USE OF TIME AND NARRATIVE IN TO THE LIGHTHOUSE, THE WAVES AND MRS. DALLOWAY

garbage, 2006.

WORK EXPERIENCE:

Summer After Freshman Year:

Read some books; went to University of Pennsylvania where M dropped me off for summer school to find a husband; wrote an extensive analysis on Greek Mythology.

Summer After Sophomore Year:

Studied Journalism at NYU.

Summer After Junior Year:

Lived in Atticus Finch's apt and studied for the LSATs, and really enjoyed the reading comprehension and verbal portions. Not sure why it did not transfer on the exam day. It does not matter. I was an English major in college.