Not Exactly My Cup of Tea

I am sure my readership will be happy to know that I have completed the writing sample to the best of my ability. This most certainly was an arduous task for someone who has not been asked to think in about eight months, let alone conduct extensive research in two jurisdictions and cite properly. I realized at the end of this task, that I do most certainly prefer my job as a database administrator and would rather be left to my own blogging devices than be rudely interrupted by a lawyeresque task.

The most remarkable part of this exercise, aside from the fact that they asked me to do it, is the nature of this question. I am not going to spill all the details, but let me just say this much, there were several issues that someone of garbage caliber is not entirely equipped to handle. This is surprising, being that the firm consists of only garbagites, it most certainly begs the question as to who is answering these questions on a daily basis. It took the superior thinking of Atticus Finch to assist me in this task, and while I thank him, I want to remind him that his training perhaps affords him the ability to answer these questions effectively. When he told me that I had made a jurisdictional argument, one that no one would accept as accurate, I had to remind him that garbigites were not even trained to know in which jurisdiction they were situated, perhaps this was the world telling us that as less than citizens we had no right to sue.

To demonstrate my point Atticus Finch, I have found the question that was posed to my first year writing class at Garbage:

Suzie P was at a Dunkin Donuts in New York when she decided to use the bathroom. The manager, Dunkin, warned her upon entry: "Everyone at this dump has failed to clean up the sewage that is leaking from the toilet. However, feel free to enter at your own risk."

Suzie P really needed to use the toilet and entered the bathroom. Upon entry into the stall she slipped and fell and broke her arm. She yelled for help and lo and behold, a garbigite lawyer descended from the sky and offered to handle her entire case.

Questions:
1. Under New York State Law (see how there is no jurisdictional question Atticus Finch), does Suzie Q have a cause of action against Dunkin Donuts?

2. Under Garbage Ethics, has the Garbage attorney breached the ethical code by soliciting a client directly after her injury?

You have six weeks to answer this question and all citations must be in accordance with any format.

I care very much about my readers...

My apologies, I am taking a hiatus as the the garbage sphynx has spoken. I am thinking of you and shall be back by the end of the week. I remain truly unemployed and highly unsuccessful.

Who Are You Calling Stupid?

I am perfectly content being rejected from firms that are comprised of an actual group of attorneys. In fact, I welcome it. When it comes to firms, I am sort of the school of thought that I would refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Consequently, when last Thursday I was extended an interview at a firm that was comprised of primarily garbage graduates, I made a mental note that this place was surely a toilet and it would take someone like me, a complete vagrant with no standards, to even consider working for such a practice. Needless to say, I felt that I would be received with open arms, almost as though the firm would ask upon my arrival "What took you so long to get here? We have been waiting for you." After all, if we are strictly talking about my Alma Matta, I am not so easily frowned upon. It is only when we are speaking about schools in tiers one-three that I really find myself in a pickle.

You can imagine my complete state of shock when I was not in fact welcomed by this practice, but in fact rudely interrogated. This Garbagish Inquisition was accompanied by rude stares by the soda can sitting at the end of the table, let alone awkward silences. While I tried to feign massive appreciation for the representation of cock roaches in class action suits against unsolicited exterminators, not one soda can even so much as noted that I not only have all my limbs, but all facial features unobstructed by strange growths as well.

Just when I thought this was too much to bear, the head soda can asked me if I would not mind drafting a writing sample in response to a sample question. When I explained this shan’t be a problem, I was told that soda can, jr. would send me a copy of the question by email within the hour. On the walk back to my temporary post, I was cursing myself out that I had agreed to do this writing sample given that I would have to be completely insane to consider accepting an offer in the event one was made to me. Regardless, after a full venting session to co-counsel (who has recently obtained permanent employment giving her companion much hope), I went to check my email expecting the arrival of this said question. And, I will have you know; five hours later I am still awaiting the arrival of the sphinx’s question indicating that not even my own brethren will give me a break. Needless to say, at the end of the day, in lieu of an unsolicited writing sample, I most certainly will be submitting this blog entry.

You Are Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Today, during my daily quest for suitable employment, I sought solace from Garbage's careernet. Usually, amongst a mix of firms located in China town, there are an assortment of non-traditional legal position listings including ballet dancer, toll booth operator and/or MTA worker. I of course apply for all jobs that are posted on this site. My rationale: "There is simply no good reason that I should be rejected by these postings." Of course, I am, and that is my cross to bear.

Today, I found a position that I in good faith can not consider. This is rare, as I am willing to stoop so low as to apply for a position to be an extra on Gossip Girl, a staff writer for a pornographic publication and/or versions of my current post elsewhere. However, I absolutely can not apply for the following:
_____________________________________________________________________________________
LSAT Instructor—Part-time
Description: Compensation: $35-$50 per hour

Hours: 8-12 hours per week

Company Description:
PowerScore is one of America's fastest growing providers of test preparation services for graduate school admission tests. We offer classes in over 75 domestic and international locations.

Position Description:
We are looking for talented and dynamic individuals to teach our LSAT courses in the New York City area (and elsewhere). No prior LSAT teaching experience is necessary as we will provide you with all the training you need. As an instructor, you will be responsible for teaching concepts and techniques, analyzing questions, and leading class discussions. Extensive training is provided.

Requirements:
All applicants must have scored in the 99th percentile on a Law Services administered LSAT (qualifying scores are 171 to 180 on the pre-June 2005 scale; 172 to 180 on the current scale; and 46 to 48 on the pre-1991 scale). There are no exceptions to this requirement.

Contact Information:
Please apply online at http://www.powerscore.com/lsat/instructor.htm or email job inquiries to hr@powerscore.com.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Powerscore, what type of joke is this? I mean, are you mocking me? No one at Garbage has above a -150 on their LSATs. As a categorical rule, you should instruct your human resources department to not permit postings at such an institution. It is just plain rude. If for some reason subject scored in the 99th percentile on their LSATS, they sure as hell are not perusing garbage's careernet to apply to the same jobs that this subject is perusing. Now that you have offended me so, the only possible manner you can redeem yourself is kindly ask administrator of LSATs to allow someone in the 99th percentile to take retake the LSATs for me. Or rather, next time you post on my Alma Matta's careernet, I will actually submit an application for your consideration and when you see my LSAT score, you can suffer the same shame and mockery that you have caused me to suffer this afternoon.

Do I Have to Put On a Suit?

Today, I was offered an interview. After several clarifications from the non-English speaking receptionist, it became clear to me that the name of the firm is DeclineLawGroup. I am not sure if DeclineLawGroup is any different than all of the law groups who have kindly declined to give me a position, including a position merely in the file room. When I was finally able to decipher a website for this firm, I came across a big picture of a bear on the homepage. I am wondering if DeclineLawGroup is in the practice of defending zoo animals, and if so, will I be provided veterinary insurance?

CELEBRATION

As most of you are probably well aware, my best friend (dipshit) is getting married in less than two weeks. While this is a joyous occasion for all involved, this is most certainly not a joyous occasion for M&M. In fact, an entire day was dedicated to back and forth yelling and screaming after I told M&M that I have no place for a baby in my life or in my actual living space. I am not sure why this came as a surprise. After all, I live in a one bedroom conversion apartment; have no health insurance, not to mention a spouse. Furthermore, my roomie’s mother spent an entire day finding space for all of my books.

Of course this argument was not really about a baby, but was about the up and coming affair which clearly M&M have been a little too alerted to post getting an invitation in the mail. The voicemails that were left on my cell before I threw it out the window were as follows:

1. C, in five years from now you will not be so cute. Arguably, you are not so cute now. You should think with the mentality of wanting a baby as to make you more marriageable and/or cute.

2. C, your best friend is getting married and all we have heard of is some of your toned down slutty escapades. You are never getting married and are a spinster.

3. C, your best friend is getting married and will be walked down the aisle in the week and a half; no one is walking you down the aisle aside from a groomsman.

While I am not going to go through the reasons why one and two are a little bit off the mark, WELL AT least one is wrong even if two is right, consider this blog a formal correction to statement three.

Today, I had the happy occasion of getting an email from the groom regarding some typical bridal party affairs. Within this email was a list of the pairings of bridesmaids with groomsmen. I skimmed this over, but upon second glance of this arrangement, I noticed that something was not right. I am going to ask my readership to make a determination as to why M&M's third proposition is entirely wrong based on the pairings:

1. Bridesmaid A 1. Groomsman A
2. Bridesmaid B 2. Groomsman B
3. Bridesmaid C (MOI) 3. Groomsman C (NOT PRESANT)
4. Bridesmaid D 4. Groomsman D

Whack It

Im going on a date with a toilet. Okay, obviously that's dramatic. Nicely put, he's slightly awkward looking. I happen to actually enjoy guys that can pull off the awkward look, I personally have no problem saying to my friends "This is ____, isn't he so ugly?! Its almost cute!". Maybe this is because I'm an artist at heart & I can find beauty in (nearly) everything. Maybe it's also because he has a real job, AND a great apartment (don't ask, false pretenses), AND he can dress himself, quite nicely actually.
There is, however, a larger problem. This may or may not have been mentioned in my earlier roundup of 'dates', but this specific suitor has an indescribable kissing technique. Wait, erase that, it's actually describable, yes, it is similar to that game at the arcade where the groundhogs pop up out of the holes & you hit them with a maillot. I was always really good at the actual arcade game, but when it came to beating off his tongue, well no amount of tickets would have had me going back for more. Ofcourse, me, being preoccupied & without plans at the time of the dinner invite, failed to remember this previous problem & I happily agreed to an entire night planned by him.
Im just hoping I can walk away with a big stuffed bear, or at least a candy necklace.