AND TO THINK ALL OF THIS TIME WENT BY WITHOUT ME KNOWING

I am sure some of my fellow garbigites have had the promising experience of meeting with a legal recruiter. Typically, I decline, but my therapist and I have been working on ways for me to be more optimistic regarding employment opportunities. Not only am I meeting with legal recruiters, I have applieded to become a legal recruiter, but quickly retreated when I learned that well, I would be terrible at it.

It is funny because yesterday in therapy I spent an hour telling my paid mother/friend why legal recruiters are worthless to not everyone, but to Garbigites. The main reason is because legal recruiters do not have clients who are small toilets located on the corner of F*ck and S*it street. They cater major large firms. Or let me rephrase, in the alternative, legal recruiters can only place actual lawyers who did not belong practicing on the corner of F*ck and S*it street. Ultimately, legal recruiters cannot place me.

Despite my stance on legal recruiters I met with one today. Generally speaking, a legal recruiter will see that I did not do tooooo badly at Garbage and will make an empty promise of circulating my resume to "some places they have in mind." I never press any further as I realize this is a worthless endeavor. Today. Was. Different.

The man I met with today has seemingly arrived from planet "everyone deserves a shot even if their LSAT score should be forgotten, unlike the Holocaust, or something." Anyhow, I was informed that because of my undergraduate degree from a small liberal arts college located in the Midwest which has a magnificent writing program, and, well because I IN FACT was an English major, I would be appreciated at most, if not all firms. The one and ONLY problem is that not everyone on the East coast has heard of this institution.

MY, MY, MY. WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID I NOT THINK OF THIS BEFORE? Surely, I have considered ways to maneuver my way out of the Garbage stigma. I have even gone so far as calling the f*cker some ABA approved institution, but this has seemingly all come to naught. This guy clearly has the right idea. It is clear based on my series of interviews at big firms that have extended me an interview based solely on their interest in my senior thesis. When I tried to talk about my many "accomplishments" in law school, they were so bloody curious as to what it was like to go to school in the middle of bumblef*ck Ohio that they introduced me as "C, graduate from liberal arts school in Ohio and Georgetown Law." That were so impressed that they forgot where I graduated from law school. In fact, when I offered my "professional" writing sample, the head partner has always been like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? PLEASE SHOW ME YOUR ANALYSIS OF 19TH CENTURY LITERATURE IN INDIA WHERE YOU RECEIVED AN A MINUS!!!!!!!" Word is out that only people from liberal arts school in the Midwest that majored in English are allowed to apply to Skadden. This is open to all of thoe who went to this specific liberal arts institution, even those who managed to be admitted to NYU, Harvard, Yale, and the University of Michigan.

With this in mind have completely revised my resume. Here it is:


EDUCATION:

LIBERAL ARTS SCHOOL IN THE MIDWEST, BA IN ENGGGGGGGLLLLLIIISSHHHHH LIT, MAGGGGNNANNANAANA CUM LAAAUUUUDDDDE CHALLAH, MOFO DEAN'S LIST; SEE HOW I GOT DISTINCTION ON MY SENIOR THESIS CONCERNING VIRGINA WOOLF'S USE OF TIME AND NARRATIVE IN TO THE LIGHTHOUSE, THE WAVES AND MRS. DALLOWAY

garbage, 2006.

WORK EXPERIENCE:

Summer After Freshman Year:

Read some books; went to University of Pennsylvania where M dropped me off for summer school to find a husband; wrote an extensive analysis on Greek Mythology.

Summer After Sophomore Year:

Studied Journalism at NYU.

Summer After Junior Year:

Lived in Atticus Finch's apt and studied for the LSATs, and really enjoyed the reading comprehension and verbal portions. Not sure why it did not transfer on the exam day. It does not matter. I was an English major in college.

O B A M A

congrats, no for real. i am proud of you you sexy beast.

Craig's List is Not a Reliable Place to Apply for Jobs

Today in my job search, I came across this job posting:

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Attorney Looking For Attorney

Posting ID: job-991754136

Are you tired of billable hours? Looking for a lifestyle firm? Want to be rich as G*D??????? Well, you have come to the right place.

I am a solo practitioner and by solo I mean I am single and the firm is just me. I am looking for someone who graduated from the following schools (Harvard, NYU, University of Pennsylvania, Stamford or Yale) to handle a relatively mild case load pertaining to some ongoing matrimonial issues.

As far as compensation goes, boy, are you lucky. My mother has offered to buy us an apartment where we will work out of if you meet the qualifications. While you will not be afforded health insurance per se, I am only looking to hire someone who is healthy and has no history of serious illness in his family. I also keep a wide array of prescription meds in my medicine closet; vicodin, codeine, xanax, ritalin, prozac and some sudafed day time.

This is a great learning experience for someone who wants to continue working at a big firm and learn a different side of the law.

About Me:

I am inspiring.

Please email me your resume, a cover letter and writing sample.

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You HAVE GOT to be kidding me. Who the Hell wrote this sh*t??? Oh wait, I did.

I Beg of You to Speak

It is so piss poor pathetic when you realize you are pushing thirty and have been on like thirty online dates to no avail. It is also pathetic when you realize your friends start talking to you like a pregnant lady because they treat you that delicately on account of your spinster status.

Yesterday, there was no reminder that I should persevere. No, for real. There are days that I sit around with my bottle of wine life size key chain and tell it to stop smirking at me. (I do not actually have a bottle of wine key chain, but I do think that would be absolutely splendid. I was inspired by this after a trip to Oren's coffee shop where they sell transportable coffee cups, never know the proper name for them, as a key chain.) It is not enough that I have been told by my friends (as in the two I have) that I am on a strict no f*cking/dating fat f*ck policy this year. This issue was examined right around the New Year when my gay husband called in E for reinforcements when, once again, I almost made the drunken error of doing naughty naughty in the bathroom of a bar with someone with four chins.

However, what kills me the most is when I come home and watch something absolutely horrific like the "City" after having a few, quite a few, night caps. Last night, I almost nearly lost it when Whitney announced towards the close of the show that she is a) 24 and b) has only been in three relationships. I almost picked up the phone to call Time Warner and cancel all cable related television. WHITNEY, you f*ckin dumb slut, I thought you were my friend. When I was 24, I had had essentially zero relationships. I am on the verge of 28 now and you know what my number is??? Essentially zero. That is right, we have nothing in common. Not to mention the fact that you were clearly capable of inspiring some type of jealousy in that douche you date, who is now your boyfriend, by mentioning you went on a date with someone else. Once again, our points of commonality diverge. When I tell some degenerate that I am "dating" that I am going to meet some accountant for lunch, they practically kiss this other suitor on the forehead for taking me off their hands. This was all too much.

The evening was brought to a close with me talking to my current boyfriend, Zebra. (Zebra is a stuffed animal bestowed upon me by E when we parted ways). When I asked him to speak some words of encouragement, he bloody fell asleep. Then, I was reminded that Zebra does not care if I bring home degenerates and do naked time in front of him. BASTARD SH*TF*CK!! OH FOR SHAME!

I'll Show You Mine, If You Show Me Yours

Oh dear G*d, if you exist, why are you not providing me with a sign before I show up at interviews that are going to make me feel like I need to shower even though I never feel that way? In the Almighty's defense, yesterday I was provided with multiple signs not to make this appointment. The weather was horrific, my hair did not look good, I cried in therapy and I was suffering from an over caffeinated eye twitch. Additionally, prior to printing out my impressive resume , through a new dealer (permanent employee), I by accident sent it to the head of the legal department who rejected me without me even indicating I was applying for any specific position. By the by, head of the legal department, I am well aware that I do not have the qualifications to work in house counsel at a huge publishing conglomerate. You needn't tell me, but perhaps you should worry for my soul. This discussion will be saved for another day. Despite all these spiritual indications, I figured given the state of the economy, I am in no place to pay attention to signals from the higher powers when accepting/declining an interview.

Yesterday, I believe I reached a new low. Well that is not true. My station in life is neither improving or declining, it is pretty static. That is not to say that I am content as we all know that is not the case. However, I suppose the jolt of attending an interview with yet another sh*thole after not having the opportunity to do so in several months shook my sensibilities.

My initial reaction when the nice partner lady who was balding was to just be polite and try not to stare at her head while she was explaining to me the odds and ends, mainly odds, of this "practice." I am okay with a balding man, but a balding woman for me is problematic especially since I know there is an answer: hair extensions. M got some when I was five after making the transition out of her wig. I have yet to notice, well that is not true, she often sheds her extensions in the household and then puts them in a Ziploc bag. Kind of gross, but by far better than the legal balding eagle. However, eagle head was really not the problem. The problem was her partner, sloth.

Sloth (completely disgusting and foul old creature) had really something coming to him, and if I were in my usual state (hooked up to an IV of pinot grigio), Sloth might have gotten lucky. However, this was supposed to be an interview for F*ck's sake AND this firm handles sexual harassment. Ladies, I have recently started the birth control and some other assortment of heavy duty drugs after M noticed a pimple on my jaw line. While I have never been anything but, well, just slender, I may have a full B cup. Apparently Sloth liked them and I am not going to lie, it felt good to be admired before 4AM. Sloth admitted that a) he does not read at all and b) he did really poorly in law school (Touro). Just when we were hitting it off, Sloth asked me a question, one that I am never prepared to answer especially during this courtship period; "C, I know it was awhile ago, but can you tell me what your LSATs scores were?"

There were a couple of moments of silence in which I evaluated my choices. I could a) totally lie b) tell the truth or c) tell a white lie. I went with C, but for the love of Christ, what business does Sloth head have asking ME MY LSAT scores? I imagine his were in the low teens and making even my odious score look look good. Last time I checked, lawyers who scored above a 120 do not sit in a firm that looks like the inside of a microwave. Anyhow, after I answered, Sloth ended the the date/interview and told me it was very nice meeting me. I did not even get the chance to ask him what his were.

OH LOOK AT YOU

Sometimes, for sh*ts and giggles, I visit Garbage's website to see all the ongoing developments taking place in my favorite legal community. Today, I was proud to learn the following:

__________________________________________________________________________________
Garbage scored its highest bar pass rate in the Law School’s history, with 93.6 percent of first-time test takers passing the exam, exceeding the New York State average of 91 percent. This places the Law School in the top five of all law schools in New York State.

“I congratulate our students; they worked hard, studied hard, and followed through on all the things they needed to do to be successful,” Garbage Dean. “This is a point of pride for the entire Garbage community.”

Almost 10 years ago the Law School’s pass rate was at 58 percent until it rose to 72 percent and held steady at that percentage from 2000 to 2005. In 2006, the pass rate took a major jump with 84 percent of first-time test takers passing the exam, bypassing the state’s pass rate of 79 percent. Last year, the bar pass rate was 90 percent, placing the Law School in the top five of all law schools in the state and exceeding the state average of 88 percent.

A major factor in the increase of the Law School’s bar pass rate is a program instituted in 2003 called the Comprehensive Curriculum Program (CCP). CCP targets students who perform in the bottom quarter of their class after their first year, and requires them to take intense courses that help them finish law school much stronger than they started. The first cohort of CCP took the bar in 2006, increasing the Law School’s bar pass rate by 12 percent.

_______________________________________________________________________________
WHOA, COME AGAIN!@@@@@!!!!! I am fairly certain that after concentrating Garbage's entire efforts on doing all of the steps necessary to ensure that its students pass the bar short of having the dean himself sit for the bloody exam for each and every student, this is no claim to fame. Well, obviously Garbage is famous because I have made it so, but it is no claim to being one of the top law schools in New York.

Two of the most outstanding law schools in the nation are located in New York. While I am not sure what their passing rates are, I am quite sure that their students' failure to pass the bar has everything to do with their schools' failure to insist that they do so. Some soda cans might be under the false impression that the reason they are essentially forced to pass the test has much to do with Garbage's belief that passing this exam is directly related to alumni donations, approval ratings, febreeze and exterminators supply. I understand why the standard cock roach might operate under this impression while in school, but post graduation all four-eight legged creatures learn that they will never be able to, well, give back to their beloved institution because of their capped salaries at $40k.

The reason Garbigities are forced to pass a test which has no bearing on intelligence, caliber and/or competence is because this is the best thing that will ever happen to a Garbigite. Their so called "success" is only measured by this exam, as well, what else could it be measured by??? My suggestion to fellow Garbigites is to delay taking the God Damn thing as to experience the twenty four hours of false elation post passing when you realize you have no chance of ever being successful, but can say to yourself "YES, I PASSED A BAR TO GO WORK AS A BUS BOY IN A BAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Anyhow, Garbage has a point. Ten years ago, only about 60& of Garbage's students passed the New York State Bar. It is a good thing that the institution has gotten its act together. Breaking news, I just got a call from Columbia Law School and they would like to point out to Garbage that their passing rate this year was at 95.6%. Take that Garbage and all of your students' success.