Eyes Wide Shut

Ever since I started garbage, I have been consistently told about the importance of networking. And, as a result of being instructed to do so, I have consistently avoided this topic of conversation. When people instruct me about the importance of networking, I explain that I would not be good at it because HELLO, HAVE YOU MET ME? I have no interests that do not involve wine and television. I hate most, if not all, people. How the F am I going to network???

Anyhow, co-counsel and I (if you were wondering co-counsel is also not particularly cheery after a year and change of temping) have been weighing the pros and cons of attending a Bar related event to "network." When we stumbled upon an event hosted by the New York City Bar Association (NYCBA) for free, we decided it was time.

Look, I know I have compared firms to the DMV, my face is next to an advertisement on the subway, I have worked with "attorneys" whose idea of practicing is smoking the ganga, I have remained unhinged like Nell in several trash chutes until Hudson Legal has reached out to me and put me on some document review project above KFC. I know, I know. But for the love of Christ, none of this has anything on the NYCBA.

It may be the case that due to the NYCBA's location (battery park), attendees typically emerge from their beetlejuice type practices in order to "network" (stutter,sputter and slur). It also may be the case that those who actually attend these meetings would have to be pretty piss poor pathetic given the pain and suffering that is typically associated with these gatherings. This is all possible, maybe even probable, but there is simply no excuse for the variety of mutants that co-counsel and I encountered in suits these creatures got as their prize in a bloody happy meal. After our fourth glass of wine, we had the happy occasion of talking to one of co-counsel's fellow alumni, who without question not only sniffed, but most certainly consumed rubber cement ages 2-30, and then his parents dropped him off at this meeting. Funny, co-counsel and he actually had a lot in common BUT FOR the fact that I am fairly certain co-counsel dresses all by herself in the morning.

All of this pre-drinking happy chatter would have been forgivable, but for the speed networking portion of the event which was anything and everything a journalist such as myself could possibly hope for. Also, I believe an anthropologist would have been happy to observe these pre-evolved subjects in their habitat. Please readership, hear me out when I tell you that Darwin's concept of the survival of the fittest was lost on these creatures. I speculated that my brethren may in fact have suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome, but then decided that this could not be the cause of the egregious level of mutation. One of our favorite subjects, a nice young "gentleman," explained to co-counsel that he is having a "rough start." It is entirely possible judging by this rain man that he could not count. Wait, no I take it back, rain man could count. Rather, it is entirely possible that this corky could not because we typically do not say that we are having a rough start since graduation when we graduated in 2002. No, I am fairly certain that if you have still do not have a job seven years post graduation, you have commenced the middle of your career and perhaps you should call it the end. Hate to judge from the armchair (I believe that is an anthropological phrase, I too am interested in the evolution of these creatures), as I have no doubt that twenty years post law school I will be sitting here blogging for your amusement temping at a newspaper stand. But, twenty years post graduation, you better believe that I would not be across from co-counsel with my mouth wide open rocking.

The most remarkably outstanding part of the evening was that these creatures, who for the most part all had "jobs," desperately wanted co-counsel's/my "job." We tried to explain how it would be essentially career suicide for a middle aged "man" to move from being a "lawyer" to a temp at a publishing company that would never amount to anything. This was lost on deaf ears. Co-counsel just received a phone call from some character that emerged from "Where The Wild Things Are" begging for a position here because he is interested in publishing. I have preemptively set aside a spot for him equipped with a hampster wheel and feeder.

After reflecting, I realize that we are only as good as our company. And, if my company's highest aspirations are to do database entry in the conference room of a publishing company, well, I should feel pretty god damn lucky. And, next year, I might even be up for an academy award in my groundbreaking performance of "slumdog thirty-thousandaire."