Last week, M&M told me that if I am not married within two years, they are done with me. At first, I thought to myself, good riddance. I am so sick and tired of the weekend phone calls wherein I am told I am pathetic and disgusting because I am single. However, after much consideration, I did decide there was a problem with having no M&M contact. Mainly, who the F is going to support me when I am still making 1.00 a day like a lawyer in Somalia with a distended stomach?
Anyhow, so I came up with a plan. I am going to marry my friend M, Jr. Ladies, he is not exactly a keeper. Sure, we make great companions, but for the love of Christ he is sluttier than I am, is entirely incapable of remaining faithful and quite frankly, I am not going to ask him to remain faithful. I condone him cheating on me because I hope to God that he will still set me up with all of his friends and really I can't be left with just him. A bloody nightmare, I tell you. M, Jr. is entirely okay with this plan provided M&M buy us an apartment, a wedding ring and he is free to sit around and live his life as he has grown accustomed to, as a lazy sack of shit. Of course when I called M&M with the good news and the parameters of this deal, they had no problems in essentially buying M, Jr. as their daughter's husband.
Okay, so just when I started adjusting to the fact that this i my fate, I started feeling this tingling sensation in my left ring finger. This sensation has progressed to a sorta numbness and I started thinking about that commercial on MTV "I lost all my fingers because I smoked too many cigarettes." However, then I started really thinking about it and decided my fiance smokes way more cigarettes, even smokes when he is unconscious, and has all of his fingers. Ultimately, I believe these are the higher powers telling me that this finger is absolutely useless. I can no longer feel it because I do not need it.
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