Officially a Fact

Dating is hands down better than applying for jobs. Despite the culmination or dissolution of an actual relationship following a date, there is ALWAYS the prospect and opportunity for sex. Which ultimately should count for something.
However, it is safe to say that with each interview (whether it be in person or on the phone) the least you are going to get is coffee. And, although I am no recent expert, I do not think that is comparable to sex.

Crossing my Fingers

I recently applied for a personal assistant position where the only qualification was the ability and interest in baking cakes. Like many of my girlfriends, I have always dreamt of owning or running a bakery & saw much possibility in this opportunity. Per usual, I sent the employer my over qualified resume, headshot & a short email discussing why I am the perfect candidate. Also as usual, I received no return email & ultimately did not get the job.
Today on one of the many daily reads of Craigslist, I came across the below request for employment:

"hello
i am looking for a clown to do my kids 3rd birthday. i would like face painting and balloon animals done with the kids. there should be tops maybe 10 kids or less. i am located in the bx.i am looking for about 1 hr 30mins tops. please email if with price n maybe a photo."

PERFECT, I have an extensive art background, am great with people, and a clown suit will easily hide my enormous breasts. I've sent an email and photo; I think 200 is reasonable provided I need to bring the costume and supplies.
Please cross your fingers, I just can't possibly get turned down again.

Throw me a bone Oprah

As you may already know, I am on Oprah's mailing list. In addition to weekly updates on the book club (which gets deleted immediately) and weekly emails regarding her online 'classes', I get the daily Mission Calender Inspiration. This had become a favorite daily email after receiving a particular Inspiration that inevitably led to the ultimate decision to quit my miserable job. However, over the past month, Oprah has single handily taken the Inspiration quotes from inspiring to down right retarded. See below for todays bloody bullshit statement:

"Body obsession is like an obnoxious relative: No matter how annoying we think it is, it always gets an invitation to the party."

What the hell Oprah? What am I supposed to do with that information? Are we writing tshirts to sell on Canal street?
You are not only inspiring me to quit, but as I start the first day of my unemployment, you pass me on this clearly unmotivating bullshit line about my desire to be skinnier. There is a serious lack of consistency here, and now that I have time to read, re-read, & ponder your daily inspirations, I would appreciate a little more effort on your half.

I'm looking forward to a redemption quote for tomorrow.

-eM

Tag Team

Dear Homeless guy @ the Broadway Lafayette F stop,

No, I will not give you change. In no way do I feel badly for you. It is obvious that although you look miserable & unkempt, you clearly have it better than I.

Here is our comparison on paper:

You-> live in Soho & don't pay rent
Me -> live in Soho & pay 1300/month (which is supposedly cheap)

You -> don't have a job
Me -> don't have a job

You -> are single
Me -> are single

You -> pee/shit on the street
Me -> pee/poo in a dirty small bathroom comparable to the street

I could go on forever, but the bottom line is: Stop asking me for money. I propose, instead, we actually take turns @ the top of the steps. I believe I could really elevate your daily rate of incoming change & together we could really could be a profitable team.

Sincerely,
eM

I Don't Care What You Say

I went to college with this chic and I kinda love her.


http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/25/magazine/25internet-t.html?hp

Sex Twist

It has come to my attention that my blogging inspiration is directly correlated to my work. For the past two weeks, our labor has greatly diminished in that a series of contracts are being held hostage in storage. I am sure I have mentioned before that the nature of my work is as follows: I review contracts and enter the terms of the contracts into a database. And quite frankly, since I have not been engaged in this very important project in about two weeks, I am starting to realize that I bloody love my job. It is true that over the past two weeks I have played text twist to a point of compulsion and now only think in six letter words, but it is also true that my blog has suffered because of it. So, in the spirit of creativity, I beg this storage facility to kindly release these contracts.

Despite my failure to blog, there have been some interesting successes that I would like to share with my readership. The first and foremost is that last night I had a major breakthrough in therapy. I asked her if people make friends by sleeping with people they want to be friends with. It has recently come to my attention that this is perhaps an untapped route. I have been complaining for months about how I want to trade in a few of my more boring allies for new ones and I think a good way to broach this issues is to find a target and be like "Hey Clare (I am by no means bi-sexual, but I have like two girlfriends and thinks it's high time I get some more) do you want to meet for coffee and sex?"

Today

There is the distinct stench of sewage coming from the kitchen. While most people are offended by this smell, it does not bother me at all. I want to be like "listen here you spoiled brats, I worked in sewage all last year and did not complain once."