Tak

In all bloody honesty, I have no idea how to say thank you in Danish. I just googled it and came up with the title of my blog. Maybe that is the way to say it. I would prefer if "Tak" meant "kill yourself," but I have a funny feeling I have no such luck.

Today, for the second time, I have been rejected by those who reside in the Nordic region. While I have on many occasions considered leaving my promising station in Manhattan, I do not think I would travel so far as Denmark to rid myself of the stigma of graduating from something the Danish might call a toilettet. I take this letter (as copied and pasted below) to signify the world telling me that my services are not needed. here. there. anywhere. In fact, as a preemptive strike to my considering relocating, Ms. Bisgaard has taken it upon herself to speak on behalf of her country and kindly request that I do not bring my noxious self.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Regarding: Communications advisor, Technology R&D, Århus, Denmark

Dear C,

We would like to thank you once again for your application concerning the
position mentioned above.

Unfortunately we have to tell you that we have decided to proceed with other
candidates having a better match with the requested qualifications and
background.

If you have created and released your profile, we will continue to compare it
with all the relevant vacancies at Vestas, and you are always welcome to apply
for a vacant position.

Thank you for the interest you have shown Vestas.


Yours sincerely

Technology R&D
People & Culture

Dina Kirstine Bisgaard

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Would you Like an Egg??

Today I had the happy occasion of receiving this email:

Dear Member,

During this holiday season, we want to thank you for your membership. Especially during these difficult economic times, we appreciate more than ever your commitment to the New York City Bar Association, and we are striving to increase our efforts to serve our members. Our broad range of programs and services will be featured in the January 2009 issue of 44th Street Notes.

Our dedication to our members is matched by our commitment to all those affected by the economic downturn. The poor will need greater access to legal services, and the City Bar Justice Center will need to increase its ability to provide those services. Our programs, which range from foreclosure to immigration, can be viewed in our Justice Center Annual Report.

We are so grateful to everyone who has already made a contribution to support the Justice Center's pro bono work. Please join us by making a contribution to sustain these efforts. You may donate online or by mail.

With continued best wishes for you and your family during the holiday season and the New Year.

Sincerely,



Patricia, Association of the Bar of the City of New York
42 West 44th Street, New York, NY 10036




----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***My Response****

Dear Patricia,

Wow, you are barking up the wrong tree and I am going to have to kindly ask you to go kill yourself. Why, it was just this morning that I made an appearance at a temp agency and they asked me if I preferred document review over contract analysis at which point I started crying because I realized that my career options are just that simple, if at all. I replied that I preferred neither, but since I am so bloody poor that I can not even afford a microwave, I am kind of not in the position to be picky.

Oh no, Patricia, the dean of garbage learned this the hard way, my economic crisis has nothing to do with the grander economic crisis. In fact, if possible, I am slightly relieved by this crisis because at least I can say at this point that garbigities are not the only unemployable "attorneys" sifting through the job market. It is kind of like when I learned that I was not the only middle aged 27 yr. old soon to be 28 yr. old spinster who often ponders whether or not it is best to drink three bottles of wine on Monday nights because Gossip Girl is on.

My point is, Patricia, that I am most certainly not making a donation to the Associate of the Bar of the City of New York this year or ever. I am kind of like one of your pro bono cases that your association should be helping as I sometimes do for the homeless associated with New York City Cares (okay, it has not happened yet, but I will do it, soonish) by finding clothes for them at the salvation army and prepping them for their various interviews.

YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS THE MOST PATRICIA?!?!?! While some people are happy about the upcoming holidays as they get days off from work, I dread it. You heard me. Because I get paid by the hour, when I get hit with a New Years Day and Christmas I make like 300 dollars that month. That is not enough to buy my provisions from the super market (local liquor store) to drown my sorrows away let alone make a donation to your association. I say yours, because it is certainly not mine. I do not associate with it at all.

Sincerely,

Shut the F*ck Up

Far East of M&M's

As some of you might recall, M&M sometimes ask me to "their friends'" various homes for dinner. Because I know M&M have no friends except for each other, I generally am right to believe that this is a set up. Why, just last April as referred to in my post "Is Elijah Single" I was lucky enough to arrive at such a happy occasion.

You can imagine how ridiculously annoyed I was when last Sunday M squared called me and spoke in non sequitor about how I simply just must appear at their friend's Wu Lung's house for dinner next week. Now, do not get me wrong, I am no stranger to the Asian persuasion. I have many Asian friends, well that is a lie. I have one, but she has has explained to me that it is not my fault that I do not have any Asian friends as they tend to stick together. (CHALLAH BEAR you just got a shout out). Needless to say, M&M do not have Chinese friends. No, M&M do not even have Jewish friends so how in God's name am I supposed to believe that M&M just happened to have convinced Wu Lang that a) they were friends and b) that we should all be invited over for dinner (Mr. & Mrs. Atticus Finch included no less). WELL, I thought it might be that Wu Lang was a Chinese version of M and saw the importance of me finding a suitor and had one in mind. I was wrong. My apologies.

As it turns out Wu Lang did just want to have us all over for a traditional Chinese dinner and it was very nice of her to extend her hospitality. How could I be so bloody selfish as to kid with Mr. & Mrs. Atticus Finch that I will have the number 43: Last Standing Single Chinese Boy is Forced to Date Last Standing Single Jew Middle Aged Woman. No, there were no such plans in mind.

The joke really was on M. Boy oh boy, M was not prepared for this. As some of you are aware, M does not eat anything and only drinks coffee. As far back as I can remember, I have yet to see M eat a meal. While I am slender, M makes me look obese. Unfortunate for M, this family did not serve any coffee until after the meal and she had to pass up on a dumpling on account of the calories and just wait for the coffee while everyone ate. Do not worry, M chatted with various strangers around the table to occupy her time. Mainly, about her former cigarette addiction and how she anticipated that the home which is literally five minutes away from M&M's home would be decorated in traditional Chinese, as opposed to English decor. After dinner, M asked that I bring the family cat that I was playing with to the dinner table which she proceeded to practically strangle as poor Figaro hissed and growled at her. Dear Dear.

Regardless, this was all in all a happy occasion. And as I drifted into a wine coma on the car ride home it occurred to me that M&M are in fact capable of having friends which made me sort of happy. After all, who was I to judge if Lu Wang could tolerate their conversation??? Then, I realized she does not as she only partially speaks English.

Mr. Optimistic

Just cause your best friend is black does not mean you should wear his condoms.

AF is Being Given A Run For His Money

In today's day in and age, no one can escape career advice. I imagine that even those of us who are successful fall victim to career advice that they have already heard a million times and want to tell their adviser to kindly shut the f*ck up.

Well, given that I am entirely unsuccessful, I am offered free annoying painful career advice all of the time. Like, "have you ever thought of networking?" No asshole, I never have. Try not to reinvent the wheel here. Next thing you are going to ask me is if I have thought of checking Monster.com. Every day someone thinks they are so much smarter than me and addresses me as though they have ever been in my position, i.e. looking for a job for five years.

If there is one time I really care not to have career advice it is when I am out. When I am concentrating on wine, I am not concentrating on any of the following things: 1. how many cigarettes have I smoked 2. What is the political climate like in the Middle East oh and 3. What is my next career move. Friday night was no exception to this rule.

E and I had the great pleasure of running into a much older Garbage graduate and his partner (the partner inquired in jest whether or not this institution is actually accredited). As your expectations might have it, these two slimes run a personal injury firm. I was fully prepared to not verbally judge them until I was left alone with the Garbage graduate. While E was pleasantly chatting away with the other partner who used to work at her current "practice," I was entirely unfortunate enough to be told what a piece of trash I was by another piece of trash. All I said was that I have not made up my mind entirely as to whether or not I wanted to practice, but if I practiced again I pray to God that I am not working above a KFC. I may have left the second clause out. Needless to say, I tried to change the topic of conversation. I did not even say it is because people like you and your partner who do business in Penn Station that I do not want to practice.

This seltzer bottle told me that when you are a personal injury lawyer, you have the power to change lives. Additionally, after a hard day at work, if you pop in the movie "To Kill a Mockingbird" you will be reminded of why you do what you do. Because I have no interest in making a difference and have adopted this "woe is me attitude," I would not know about this gratifying experience.

My first question was "Seltzer face, did you know that the movie was based on Harper Lee's novel and if so, did you/could you read it?" However, my real inquiry is how this carbonated drink has changed lives in a manner that is comparable to the way let's say Atticus Finch changed lives. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe the real deal like confronted racism in the deep South. What has Diet Rite done? Confronted the Dunkin Donuts franchise after their client slipped and fell on some coffee. I believe the more relevant movie is My Cousin Vinny.

Hooking Research Part 1

I should probably preface this story.
I currently work at the highest grossing nightclub in the world. Ironically, I work in the slowest, lowest paid area of this nightclub and rarely make more than $500.00 a week. Very recently I have been curious and intrigued by the option of being a hooker & I figured the internet would be a resourceful tool in learning how to go about this new career.

In the midst of my hooking research I came across this Yahoo Question on Yahoo's Answers page:

I WANT TO BE A HOOKER WHEN I GROW UP IS THAT bad?

I am 17 years old and I want to be a hooker when I grow up because I like boys and men and dream about having sex and a life on the steets as a hooker seems exciting. I also like to make my hair big and wear lots of makeup. I wanna walk up to cars and say hey baby want a good time. Also I will ge to spend nights in hotels and look very pretty. I want an exciting life please help and tell me why or why not to do it
I don't have a degree and I wanna get out of the house

Well darling. Let me say, wearing your hair big & putting on lots of makeup has nothing to do with being a hooker. Clowns do that, drag queens do that, girls from texas love it, and I'm known to tease myself into quite the big hair. Also, spending the night in hotels is easily done and usually just involves living in a city with hotels. As far as wanting to have sex with boys & men, now that just makes you a good girlfriend.
However, my little protege darling, you happened to have missed the key element & main reason why most girls decide to open their legs for strangers... and thats MONEY honey. Sweetie, if you are gonna be honest and open on Yahoo about a career that is nothing short of frowned upon, you best be honest about your intent.
What your post really should've read is:

I'm 17, my parents are over their heads in debt & the world is crashing before me. I think money for sex would be a steady job. Any takers?

Oh, Okay Okay.....

This makes perfect sense. No actually, today I woke up and decided to blame the economy for all of my problems. Ninety-nine problems and here is one (well, here are a few actually as I am not one to pass up this opportunity to complain):

I have lost all ability to control myself around a yogurt parfait. No, seriously, I had a long discussion with E last night. If I see a yogurt parfait, I must buy it and eat the entire thing. I had two yesterday, and for shame, neither one of them were that good because of the economy.

The fact that nerve.com presumes I am a lesbian upon registration and only shows me female matches has a lot to do with the fact that since this great depression (for me at least it has been diagnosed by my therapist as a great depression even if the rest of the world is calling it a recession) has traded in all of the male i bankers for butch beasts who tell me that I am their perfect match.

Did they stop making a size 29 in jeans because of the f*ckin economy so help me god because this is my godforsaken size. It is true that I can probably fit my white ass into a size 28. However, I like my denim to ride low and show a little crack. I went to six stores this weekend in search of skinny jeans. No size 29 to be found.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently Garbage agrees with me. Most of its, and its' alumni problems, have to do with the state of the economy. A letter I received from the dean today capitalized on this point:

Dear Garbage Alumnus/a (THANK GOD THE DEAN IS NOT SEXIST):

I wrote to you several weeks ago with an update about the School. Today, I am writing to you about our current students and new graduates, and our need for your support in their efforts to gain genuine legal experience and start their careers. The recent financial crisis has affected many sectors of our economy, and the legal sector is no exception. While our law school remains in strong condition, and it is possible that we will see an increase in applications due to the weakened job market, we know that those same market conditions may create problems for many of our current students, recent graduates, and alumni.......

My response:

Dear Dean of Garbage,

I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I am so capable of placing blame on one stimulus for all of my problems. For instance, every time I think of your litter box, I say to myself: "If M&M had not forced me to go to law school, I would not have put up such a resistance to the LSATs and failed them only to meet my fate at a worthless institution followed by a career scattered with various toilet bowels and temping stations and persistent spinsterhood despite all of my efforts."

Truth be told, before this economic crisis, I was like offered a ton of jobs at various law firms. No firm was too good for this sh*tbird. Garbage spent all of their time helping me make my next career move. I would come into servicing a career center, and Beetle Juice's wife would help me make the best decision for me. I was in an advertisement in the subway right next to one for University of Phoenix Online with a series of bullet points right next to me in my graduation gear explaining the opportunities afforded to me. I believe the increase in applications has something to do with this advertisement. Do not quote me on this.

-C da shit boogie.