I WILL NEVER BE JENNY MCCARTHY IF I STOP WRITING

I'M BACK! Truth told, it's been too long. People are starting to question my missing few months and frankly, in these times of recession & budgeting, I'm bored out of my broke mind and need something free to do...
So I'm back and writing, and ironically enough, in a new location filled with awful, illegal, entertaining stories (i.e. rockstars, naked football players, & high rollers with anal fetishes). New ambitions & goals (learning to be a hooker, and other resourceful ways to pay my bills).
Thats right friends - LAS VEGAS!!!
Can't wait to share & catch-up with everyone :)

Everything and Anything Anyone Might Be Thankful For

Anyone who knows anything, or in the alternative, anyone who knows me, knows that M&M have raised Atticus Finch (AF) and I to only celebrate one holiday a year: Thanksgiving. It is true, that even this holiday generally means, well up until recently, dinner at a restaraunt as no one cooks. Well, with the recent addition to our family, AF's wife/my sister in law (Mrs. F), M&M and their progeny now have very warm and lovely Thanksgiving dinners.

This year was no exception. I decided that it would be best if I did not show up to this holiday as the typical solo spinster and invited my gay husband A.J. This proved to be an excellent choice and there was not one single comment directed at my looks, my crassness and/or my perpetual singledom as we had company.

What shocked me the most was how knowledgeable my family is on the topic of religion given that none of us have ever expressed any knowledge or interest in the subject matter (This statement does not apply to M squared who a) would have liked his children to be raised religious but fell victim to M's demands and b) even though he is knowledgeable, he rarely speaks). This conversation was engendered by the spiritual topic of my Grandfather I's passing and subsequent cremation in 2003. No one was aware of the fact that Grandpa I's ashes have not been scattered but sit in M's closet in what she describes as something like a garbage bag with Hebrew scripture on it. M explained that when he was first cremated, she was comforted by grabbing a sweater and seeing her father sitting in the corner. Now, when he is in her way, she just pushes him aside and says "oh, I, excuse me."

The major surprise was that M was capable of enlightening her family on the difference between Christianity and Judaism specific to various views of the Messiah. I guess what is going to happen is that the Messiah is going to "fly down to Israel" and pick up all the Jews and say "come on let's go." The only Jew who will not be picked up is me of course as AF pointed out that I probably will be hit by a car on the way to heaven or something. Orthodox Jews around the world are buried with their feet facing Israel "so they can get there quicker." Well, I guess that makes perfect sense and it would be best if and when he (God willing it is a He) comes he also marries me as then M estimates that I would be some type of Queen or legend or something really good.

M also explained that after reading Joan of Arc, she was desperately afraid that God would come to her and ask her to perform some almighty task. Therefore, she slept with the light on up until leaving for college. AF asked what made her think that God would not pay her visit unless the light was off, and she responded "oh i guess you are right. you are so much smarter than me."

The More Things Change, They Stay The Same

As some of my readership might be aware, I thought I would use this year to determine a career path. The gig is up. I wasted the entire year. I explained this situation to my therapist. Most of our sessions are focused on what are some of my aspirations. Usually I lie. The last session was no exception, I told her I wanted to be editor in chief of a publication. I definitely do not want that type of responsibility, not as though anyone would bestow me with such a conflict of interest. The only reason I thought of that is because Nico on Lipstick Jungle is editor in chief of a fake publication. What I was really trying to say to my therapist is that I want to be Nico.

Anywho, my therapist came up with a really brilliant idea. She told me that I should take a career test online for free. In our following session we are going to talk about the results. I left feeling pretty awesome about taking an online quiz. After all, most of my days are spent taking online quizzes and unlike in my therapy sessions, I answer these questions accurately.

You can imagine my state of shock when after answering a series of questions in the negative regarding landscaping, building things, supplying things, cleaning things, being outside with things that the results indicated that I should be either a construction worker or a janitor.

I thought about it. And while I am not sure if being an esq. in a reputable firm is anything like being a construction worker or janitor, being an esq. above a dunkin' donuts is very much like being a janitor. Nope, certainly have made no progress this year.

IS THIS BC OF BUSH?

I am so sick and tired of this bloody economy. No for real, I think if there is anyone who has been a victim of this Main Street, Wall Street, Sesame Street nonsense it is me. Last night, over Thanksgiving dinner, when M asked me after telling us her views on religion, if I was aware of how terrible the economy is on account of the amount of shi*ty television I watch. My reply was: "Oh, I am aware, thank you very much M. I have essentially been a temp for a year and a half and before that I was a plumber. I fail to see how me not watching television is going to fix the problem."

Yes certain downturns in the economy have caused me and my loved ones upsets and like the rest of the world I generally blame that lame duck of a president even though we all know that the reason the economy fell apart is because I watch too much television. Regardless, there is one recent "upset" that has made me feel, well, really f*ckin awesome and that is the government bailing out citigroup.

Kids, let me explain. When I was at my previous shithole, my primary responsibility was collecting debt from former employees from citigroup. I am not proud of this. Not in the slightest. I am however well aware of the fact that my debt collection and subsequent release was not all for nothing. As now, I am fairly certain that the government is not going to keep this f*ckin over clogged toilet as part of their advisory, and well with a little prayer and perhaps a flush, we can all say "yes, we can." As perhaps we have cleaned up some pollution.

Now, I am going to take it upon myself to send my condolences. If only Hallmark had a card that has a so "sorry about your loss on the front" and then on the inside a plumber with a big X through it. So here goes nothing.

Dear Stinky,

As a former member of your firm I felt compelled to, well, send my condolences. After three months of persistent debt collection for a bank that probably only retained you because you cost so little, I can imagine that stinky is very upset about this bail out. Fortunately, for me, government bailing out these various companies will engender document review projects. Perhaps I will see you there.

The fact that you "let me go" is all water under the bridge now. I guess in a sense we share that in common.

-C

WELFARE

Nothing like a call from M&M to remind you how pathetic you are. Well, truth be told, I already was well aware of how pathetic I am, but I do like how M&M think I have forgotten.

Anyhow, it has come to my attention that I, in addition to all of the other temps, will soon be out of work. I would like to take this moment to address all candidates and remind them that "Joe, the plumber" makes a killing. You know who does not? Garbage C-can the attorney. You see, in a recent effort to seek comfort from my brethren, I have been asking them what they have been up to since the economy has taken a turn for the worst. I dare say, I am well aware that even legitimate attorneys are taking a hit and there is no reason why those of us who have emerged from sewage should not. However, when real attorneys take a hit, they get like six months severance packages. When garbigities take a hit, they collect unemployment.

Needless to say, M&M were anything but sympathetic to my plight. In their imaginations, I begged to go to law school throughout my childhood and was sitting on the opposite side of the table from Atticus Finch debating the virtues of justice over some juicy cups, well in our case diet sodas and coffee. Well no, M&M that is not what happened at all. In fact, as far back as I can recall Atticus Finch was told he was going to be president and I was told I was going to be a wife and there was no room for arguing this point. I am like ready to kill them because this weekend they reminded me that if I could not make a career for myself, then I am going to have to collect welfare. I needed to remind them that I would not be sitting around five and a half years post college graduation still negotiating a career had I not been rudely interrupted by an institution that carries a worse stigma than a gold star in Nazi Germany.

Well anyhow, so I started thinking about welfare and told them that a) there are many steps one takes before collecting welfare (as exemplified by fellow garbigities who are collecting unemployment) and b) if they let me go on welfare, I will have to bid them farewel(l).

YEAH OKAY I CARE

Last night, d/shit and I took it upon ourselves to become part of the NY Cares organization wherein we will be involved in well, caring.

It occurred to me over the course of this orientation that I have cared for quite some time. As in high school, I volunteered to tutor, assist senior citizens and went to Ghana for Christ's sake. Regardless, I failed to pay too much attention to what this champion of charity was saying up until he started talking about cleaning up garbage/debris in the inner city schools. This is something I might be interested in, but what I really wanted to suggest is that if NY cares so much, why in God's name are they not cleaning up the institution and the soda cans that attend my Alma Mata, Garbage.

Look, am I the only one who really thinks it's not so much Wall Street that should have suffered the direct blow to the economy, but the streets that surround Wall Street as in Lower Broadway, White Street, Chambers, oh and cross street 21st and Broadway where there lies a free standing toilet which will remain nameless?? At least the people who worked on Wall Street have all their limbs and feed themselves with utensils. Additionally, M&M wanted me to marry one.

If NY bloody cares so much, than let's really clean up the streets of Manhattan and advocate that the lower Manhattan as in the toilets that lie in or around Wall Street are plunged. In an effort to jump start this mission, I am going to contact my NY cares team leader with the following project:

On 10/17/08, I suggest we all meet at the 1/9 stop on Franklin Street Stop and march over to the nearest academic institution with shovels, hard hats and clean up the debris. Then, sell the space to NYU.

Go F Yourself.

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