As some of my readership might be aware, I thought I would use this year to determine a career path. The gig is up. I wasted the entire year. I explained this situation to my therapist. Most of our sessions are focused on what are some of my aspirations. Usually I lie. The last session was no exception, I told her I wanted to be editor in chief of a publication. I definitely do not want that type of responsibility, not as though anyone would bestow me with such a conflict of interest. The only reason I thought of that is because Nico on Lipstick Jungle is editor in chief of a fake publication. What I was really trying to say to my therapist is that I want to be Nico.
Anywho, my therapist came up with a really brilliant idea. She told me that I should take a career test online for free. In our following session we are going to talk about the results. I left feeling pretty awesome about taking an online quiz. After all, most of my days are spent taking online quizzes and unlike in my therapy sessions, I answer these questions accurately.
You can imagine my state of shock when after answering a series of questions in the negative regarding landscaping, building things, supplying things, cleaning things, being outside with things that the results indicated that I should be either a construction worker or a janitor.
I thought about it. And while I am not sure if being an esq. in a reputable firm is anything like being a construction worker or janitor, being an esq. above a dunkin' donuts is very much like being a janitor. Nope, certainly have made no progress this year.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
IS THIS BC OF BUSH?
I am so sick and tired of this bloody economy. No for real, I think if there is anyone who has been a victim of this Main Street, Wall Street, Sesame Street nonsense it is me. Last night, over Thanksgiving dinner, when M asked me after telling us her views on religion, if I was aware of how terrible the economy is on account of the amount of shi*ty television I watch. My reply was: "Oh, I am aware, thank you very much M. I have essentially been a temp for a year and a half and before that I was a plumber. I fail to see how me not watching television is going to fix the problem."
Yes certain downturns in the economy have caused me and my loved ones upsets and like the rest of the world I generally blame that lame duck of a president even though we all know that the reason the economy fell apart is because I watch too much television. Regardless, there is one recent "upset" that has made me feel, well, really f*ckin awesome and that is the government bailing out citigroup.
Kids, let me explain. When I was at my previous shithole, my primary responsibility was collecting debt from former employees from citigroup. I am not proud of this. Not in the slightest. I am however well aware of the fact that my debt collection and subsequent release was not all for nothing. As now, I am fairly certain that the government is not going to keep this f*ckin over clogged toilet as part of their advisory, and well with a little prayer and perhaps a flush, we can all say "yes, we can." As perhaps we have cleaned up some pollution.
Now, I am going to take it upon myself to send my condolences. If only Hallmark had a card that has a so "sorry about your loss on the front" and then on the inside a plumber with a big X through it. So here goes nothing.
Dear Stinky,
As a former member of your firm I felt compelled to, well, send my condolences. After three months of persistent debt collection for a bank that probably only retained you because you cost so little, I can imagine that stinky is very upset about this bail out. Fortunately, for me, government bailing out these various companies will engender document review projects. Perhaps I will see you there.
The fact that you "let me go" is all water under the bridge now. I guess in a sense we share that in common.
-C
Yes certain downturns in the economy have caused me and my loved ones upsets and like the rest of the world I generally blame that lame duck of a president even though we all know that the reason the economy fell apart is because I watch too much television. Regardless, there is one recent "upset" that has made me feel, well, really f*ckin awesome and that is the government bailing out citigroup.
Kids, let me explain. When I was at my previous shithole, my primary responsibility was collecting debt from former employees from citigroup. I am not proud of this. Not in the slightest. I am however well aware of the fact that my debt collection and subsequent release was not all for nothing. As now, I am fairly certain that the government is not going to keep this f*ckin over clogged toilet as part of their advisory, and well with a little prayer and perhaps a flush, we can all say "yes, we can." As perhaps we have cleaned up some pollution.
Now, I am going to take it upon myself to send my condolences. If only Hallmark had a card that has a so "sorry about your loss on the front" and then on the inside a plumber with a big X through it. So here goes nothing.
Dear Stinky,
As a former member of your firm I felt compelled to, well, send my condolences. After three months of persistent debt collection for a bank that probably only retained you because you cost so little, I can imagine that stinky is very upset about this bail out. Fortunately, for me, government bailing out these various companies will engender document review projects. Perhaps I will see you there.
The fact that you "let me go" is all water under the bridge now. I guess in a sense we share that in common.
-C
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
WELFARE
Nothing like a call from M&M to remind you how pathetic you are. Well, truth be told, I already was well aware of how pathetic I am, but I do like how M&M think I have forgotten.
Anyhow, it has come to my attention that I, in addition to all of the other temps, will soon be out of work. I would like to take this moment to address all candidates and remind them that "Joe, the plumber" makes a killing. You know who does not? Garbage C-can the attorney. You see, in a recent effort to seek comfort from my brethren, I have been asking them what they have been up to since the economy has taken a turn for the worst. I dare say, I am well aware that even legitimate attorneys are taking a hit and there is no reason why those of us who have emerged from sewage should not. However, when real attorneys take a hit, they get like six months severance packages. When garbigities take a hit, they collect unemployment.
Needless to say, M&M were anything but sympathetic to my plight. In their imaginations, I begged to go to law school throughout my childhood and was sitting on the opposite side of the table from Atticus Finch debating the virtues of justice over some juicy cups, well in our case diet sodas and coffee. Well no, M&M that is not what happened at all. In fact, as far back as I can recall Atticus Finch was told he was going to be president and I was told I was going to be a wife and there was no room for arguing this point. I am like ready to kill them because this weekend they reminded me that if I could not make a career for myself, then I am going to have to collect welfare. I needed to remind them that I would not be sitting around five and a half years post college graduation still negotiating a career had I not been rudely interrupted by an institution that carries a worse stigma than a gold star in Nazi Germany.
Well anyhow, so I started thinking about welfare and told them that a) there are many steps one takes before collecting welfare (as exemplified by fellow garbigities who are collecting unemployment) and b) if they let me go on welfare, I will have to bid them farewel(l).
Anyhow, it has come to my attention that I, in addition to all of the other temps, will soon be out of work. I would like to take this moment to address all candidates and remind them that "Joe, the plumber" makes a killing. You know who does not? Garbage C-can the attorney. You see, in a recent effort to seek comfort from my brethren, I have been asking them what they have been up to since the economy has taken a turn for the worst. I dare say, I am well aware that even legitimate attorneys are taking a hit and there is no reason why those of us who have emerged from sewage should not. However, when real attorneys take a hit, they get like six months severance packages. When garbigities take a hit, they collect unemployment.
Needless to say, M&M were anything but sympathetic to my plight. In their imaginations, I begged to go to law school throughout my childhood and was sitting on the opposite side of the table from Atticus Finch debating the virtues of justice over some juicy cups, well in our case diet sodas and coffee. Well no, M&M that is not what happened at all. In fact, as far back as I can recall Atticus Finch was told he was going to be president and I was told I was going to be a wife and there was no room for arguing this point. I am like ready to kill them because this weekend they reminded me that if I could not make a career for myself, then I am going to have to collect welfare. I needed to remind them that I would not be sitting around five and a half years post college graduation still negotiating a career had I not been rudely interrupted by an institution that carries a worse stigma than a gold star in Nazi Germany.
Well anyhow, so I started thinking about welfare and told them that a) there are many steps one takes before collecting welfare (as exemplified by fellow garbigities who are collecting unemployment) and b) if they let me go on welfare, I will have to bid them farewel(l).
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
YEAH OKAY I CARE
Last night, d/shit and I took it upon ourselves to become part of the NY Cares organization wherein we will be involved in well, caring.
It occurred to me over the course of this orientation that I have cared for quite some time. As in high school, I volunteered to tutor, assist senior citizens and went to Ghana for Christ's sake. Regardless, I failed to pay too much attention to what this champion of charity was saying up until he started talking about cleaning up garbage/debris in the inner city schools. This is something I might be interested in, but what I really wanted to suggest is that if NY cares so much, why in God's name are they not cleaning up the institution and the soda cans that attend my Alma Mata, Garbage.
Look, am I the only one who really thinks it's not so much Wall Street that should have suffered the direct blow to the economy, but the streets that surround Wall Street as in Lower Broadway, White Street, Chambers, oh and cross street 21st and Broadway where there lies a free standing toilet which will remain nameless?? At least the people who worked on Wall Street have all their limbs and feed themselves with utensils. Additionally, M&M wanted me to marry one.
If NY bloody cares so much, than let's really clean up the streets of Manhattan and advocate that the lower Manhattan as in the toilets that lie in or around Wall Street are plunged. In an effort to jump start this mission, I am going to contact my NY cares team leader with the following project:
On 10/17/08, I suggest we all meet at the 1/9 stop on Franklin Street Stop and march over to the nearest academic institution with shovels, hard hats and clean up the debris. Then, sell the space to NYU.
It occurred to me over the course of this orientation that I have cared for quite some time. As in high school, I volunteered to tutor, assist senior citizens and went to Ghana for Christ's sake. Regardless, I failed to pay too much attention to what this champion of charity was saying up until he started talking about cleaning up garbage/debris in the inner city schools. This is something I might be interested in, but what I really wanted to suggest is that if NY cares so much, why in God's name are they not cleaning up the institution and the soda cans that attend my Alma Mata, Garbage.
Look, am I the only one who really thinks it's not so much Wall Street that should have suffered the direct blow to the economy, but the streets that surround Wall Street as in Lower Broadway, White Street, Chambers, oh and cross street 21st and Broadway where there lies a free standing toilet which will remain nameless?? At least the people who worked on Wall Street have all their limbs and feed themselves with utensils. Additionally, M&M wanted me to marry one.
If NY bloody cares so much, than let's really clean up the streets of Manhattan and advocate that the lower Manhattan as in the toilets that lie in or around Wall Street are plunged. In an effort to jump start this mission, I am going to contact my NY cares team leader with the following project:
On 10/17/08, I suggest we all meet at the 1/9 stop on Franklin Street Stop and march over to the nearest academic institution with shovels, hard hats and clean up the debris. Then, sell the space to NYU.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Go F Yourself.
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September 25, 2008 Log Out
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Unable to Match
eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.
Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.
You can still receive your free Personality Profile by clicking here.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Certain People Should Be Put Down
While I am well aware of the fact that euthanasia is illegal in the United States, I often wonder what it is that is so god damn wrong with it. No, I do not even mean to use it for people who are on their death beds and are suffering, although I do think that is an appropriate use of said poison, I think it should be used for people who do not deserve the death penalty, but that we can all agree deserve to be put down.
I was inspired by this after just reading an article regarding Project Runway which delightfully made fun of Kenley who I have been wishing for weeks would somehow get tetanus from her sewing machine, and, well, just go away. However, it would also be perfectly fine by me if Tim Gunn came by with a lethal injection after she made yet another hideous outfit and put her out of her misery.
Regardless, in terms of real life, it has recently come to my attention that I know of several people who the world would be a far better place without. I will not go into details, but there is one specific person I have met in my lifetime who most certainly deserves to be put down. I have been informed by former co-workers that a woman, oh let's just call her Trixie, who was a raging bitch to me while at this shithole and undeniably was part of my demise, has taken quite the liking to my male replacement. Oh yes, Trixie girl is married with two babies, but apparently there are massages and dinner dates being exchanged. I have no doubt that the subject of her affection is dumber than a lamp post as I have met him, and well, there was an argument which ensued as to which one of us went to a worst law school (he did). However, his strapping good looks and rather grotesque accent has attracted Trixie and certainly she is not spreading rumors around this toilet as to how incompetent he is.
Well Trixie, now that I have had time to reflect, here is what I have to say to you. My apologies about your recent f*Ck up of a case as we both know that when I put a comma in the wrong place you informed me that I was a sloppy lawyer, but what I really wanted to say to you is that Eve is on her last limbs. No, I am not kidding, M has called me and told me that she is no longer urinating and hiding underneath the bed. WELL, I was thinking that when M takes her into to be put down, perhaps you would consider me taking you in to also be put down? Meow.
I was inspired by this after just reading an article regarding Project Runway which delightfully made fun of Kenley who I have been wishing for weeks would somehow get tetanus from her sewing machine, and, well, just go away. However, it would also be perfectly fine by me if Tim Gunn came by with a lethal injection after she made yet another hideous outfit and put her out of her misery.
Regardless, in terms of real life, it has recently come to my attention that I know of several people who the world would be a far better place without. I will not go into details, but there is one specific person I have met in my lifetime who most certainly deserves to be put down. I have been informed by former co-workers that a woman, oh let's just call her Trixie, who was a raging bitch to me while at this shithole and undeniably was part of my demise, has taken quite the liking to my male replacement. Oh yes, Trixie girl is married with two babies, but apparently there are massages and dinner dates being exchanged. I have no doubt that the subject of her affection is dumber than a lamp post as I have met him, and well, there was an argument which ensued as to which one of us went to a worst law school (he did). However, his strapping good looks and rather grotesque accent has attracted Trixie and certainly she is not spreading rumors around this toilet as to how incompetent he is.
Well Trixie, now that I have had time to reflect, here is what I have to say to you. My apologies about your recent f*Ck up of a case as we both know that when I put a comma in the wrong place you informed me that I was a sloppy lawyer, but what I really wanted to say to you is that Eve is on her last limbs. No, I am not kidding, M has called me and told me that she is no longer urinating and hiding underneath the bed. WELL, I was thinking that when M takes her into to be put down, perhaps you would consider me taking you in to also be put down? Meow.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Why I Will Remain Single, Part 1
Allow me to preface my first ever post by saying ‘Welcome’ and that I’m not an angry person. I don’t, however, suffer fools. I do, however, use lots of commas. I also tend not to share my innermost thoughts with anyone other than the slobs and my multiple personalities. But yesterday I stumbled across something so alarming, so frightening, that in the interest of protecting others around me I am compelled to blog it out.
An old “friend” and current virtual Facebook friend (sense the limitations) is on the cusp of marriage. God help her. Now, from what I can tell by investigating her page, she is happy about these developments. In fact, from what I can discern, this is something she’s been waiting for with bated breath, as she’s fielded various horrifying public comments speaking to her “relief” that she’s “finally engaged.” I am loosely happy for her, the way I am when an impacted molar is removed or someone’s chronic pain is mollified by a morphine drip. It’s a quick fix. But what I’ve realized since scanning her wedding website is that it’s not the wedding that typically sickens me, or the outrageous industry that’s sprung up as an excuse for women to leave their jobs and plan a party. Okay, that does sicken me. But really, I’m mostly opposed to sharing the limelight.
Let me again offer up some facts. First, I will not be invited to said wedding, as I have not spoken to the deb in question in decades. Remember, this is virtual friendship we’ve nurtured. Second, I’m on professional holiday, and as such, have little to do with my time other than view my series of televised teen-dramas. Ahem. And let’s face it, Facebook has offered unsuspecting and previously productive lasses like myself the chance to waste entire days perusing frenemies’ vacation pics and photos from weddings to which we were never invited. For the most part, I’m content with the time suck.
Okay, so why I don’t believe in outlandish and extravagant affairs celebrating your predilection for life-long monogamous sex: Why share a party?
History: Growing up my birthday fell fatefully on the same day as another girl in school who I detested more than the threat of back acne. Our grandmothers, however, were very close friends; old hags who played Mah-Jongg and smelled like Welsh Rarebit. Because of their affection for one another--and inability to drive long distances whereby they may make new friends--they believed we should be best friends as well. There was a constant pressure to have joint-birthday parties, a threat I took as seriously as that wink you might get before being hauled off to the Gulag. Again and again, I declined.
But even now, as you’re adult-like and somewhat financially viable, why must you be forced to share a wedding party with another person? Would you not rather keep all the gifts to yourself? And, if like this affianced childhood friend, you’ve gone to the necessary trouble to throw together a 500-person, black tie event with 12 bridesmaids and counting in three days time, would you really want to share the attention with some slobbish (hetero), and in time, cuckolded man who would never appreciate this?
And moreover, why would you want to force your (presumably) twelve closest friends to don the same hideous dress? My friends have more flare, and at least half the fun of any party is watching them assemble an ensemble befitting the occasion.
Ladies, if you relent and share this most important day of your life with another person, you will spend the rest of your life making compromises until you don’t even know who you are anymore, and stand waiting at the sperm clinic in an effort to marginalize this chap and change the locks on your door. Is this unromantic? No. A party is a party, dammit.
Next time: Why 12 bridesmaids is larger than my entire guest list.
An old “friend” and current virtual Facebook friend (sense the limitations) is on the cusp of marriage. God help her. Now, from what I can tell by investigating her page, she is happy about these developments. In fact, from what I can discern, this is something she’s been waiting for with bated breath, as she’s fielded various horrifying public comments speaking to her “relief” that she’s “finally engaged.” I am loosely happy for her, the way I am when an impacted molar is removed or someone’s chronic pain is mollified by a morphine drip. It’s a quick fix. But what I’ve realized since scanning her wedding website is that it’s not the wedding that typically sickens me, or the outrageous industry that’s sprung up as an excuse for women to leave their jobs and plan a party. Okay, that does sicken me. But really, I’m mostly opposed to sharing the limelight.
Let me again offer up some facts. First, I will not be invited to said wedding, as I have not spoken to the deb in question in decades. Remember, this is virtual friendship we’ve nurtured. Second, I’m on professional holiday, and as such, have little to do with my time other than view my series of televised teen-dramas. Ahem. And let’s face it, Facebook has offered unsuspecting and previously productive lasses like myself the chance to waste entire days perusing frenemies’ vacation pics and photos from weddings to which we were never invited. For the most part, I’m content with the time suck.
Okay, so why I don’t believe in outlandish and extravagant affairs celebrating your predilection for life-long monogamous sex: Why share a party?
History: Growing up my birthday fell fatefully on the same day as another girl in school who I detested more than the threat of back acne. Our grandmothers, however, were very close friends; old hags who played Mah-Jongg and smelled like Welsh Rarebit. Because of their affection for one another--and inability to drive long distances whereby they may make new friends--they believed we should be best friends as well. There was a constant pressure to have joint-birthday parties, a threat I took as seriously as that wink you might get before being hauled off to the Gulag. Again and again, I declined.
But even now, as you’re adult-like and somewhat financially viable, why must you be forced to share a wedding party with another person? Would you not rather keep all the gifts to yourself? And, if like this affianced childhood friend, you’ve gone to the necessary trouble to throw together a 500-person, black tie event with 12 bridesmaids and counting in three days time, would you really want to share the attention with some slobbish (hetero), and in time, cuckolded man who would never appreciate this?
And moreover, why would you want to force your (presumably) twelve closest friends to don the same hideous dress? My friends have more flare, and at least half the fun of any party is watching them assemble an ensemble befitting the occasion.
Ladies, if you relent and share this most important day of your life with another person, you will spend the rest of your life making compromises until you don’t even know who you are anymore, and stand waiting at the sperm clinic in an effort to marginalize this chap and change the locks on your door. Is this unromantic? No. A party is a party, dammit.
Next time: Why 12 bridesmaids is larger than my entire guest list.
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